Greater than or equal to bisexual

Sorry to drop a serious question on you, but it does say “ask a Gay” and I need to ask someone who is homosexual-

I am 16 and i have a gf currently and we do have sex often, and i am atracted to her and other girls, but every now and then with only certain guys i find myself not sexually attracted but “romantically” attracted. I sit and listen to my friend talk while i dream away about cuddling with him, yet its only with two of my close friends. Now i remember when i was younger i experimented with another boy he was like a year older then me i don’t really remember much but it was nothing, and shortly after i found myself attracted to girls. Now here’s the thing i’m not sexually attracted to them but romantically, yet i am sexually attracted to women, but not so much romantically. Does this mean i am gay, or bi or what?

First of all a quick PSA. If you are 16 and sexually active with your girlfriend while questioning your sexuality, definitely use all of the birth control you can get your hands on. No one likes an ironic pregnancy. While we’re at it, watch this. It’s both funny and informative. I hate to sound like your mother, but well, I’m old enough to be your mother (but if I was, we both would remember my high school graduation) (and I couldn’t have afforded fun cereal while you were growing up) (but I probably would have blown your college savings to buy it anyway). OKAY! PSA is all done.

Now, are you gay, bi or what? Good question. It sounds like you might fall into a great category that a friend of mine coined the other day, “at least bisexual”. You may very well be greater than or equal to bisexual. Since you are sixteen though, I am going to guess that you won’t know the exact answer to that for a while and shouldn’t push yourself to pick a label. Choose a liberal college—think Hampshire, Amherst, Berkshire, NYU—and while you’re there keep an open mind. If you aren’t thinking about college, maybe do an internship in a gay friendly city. Basically, put yourself a very open minded atmosphere and try stuff out (safely—lots of latex, no drugs). If you have some sexual experiences with guys then you might be gay, but you might not be. Try a little of both if it feels right. Hell, go have a threesome! Maybe not in high school though. Again, I will sound old and boring, but depending on where you live and how open-minded folks are, you need to be smart and careful. One terrible experience while you are figuring your life out and suddenly you’ll be in the middle of a Lifetime after-school special and who needs the drama?

Which brings me to this: Those two friends that you want to cuddle with might not take that information well. They might. They might be gay themselves and totally cool with being gay. But on average, there are so many factors happening in high school, that even great friends aren’t always predictable. Your girlfriend may also have a hard time with this information. Also, if you start checking out some gay porn, “just to see”, this may lead to a very awkward conversation with your parents that you might not be ready to have. If your parents are super cool, then that’s awesome. Who knows, maybe they are the kind of parents that ask you to recommend a good pot dealer (don’t do drugs). I am going play it safe though, and guess that they aren’t, so don’t get yourself in a stupid situation. Watch some indie films, read some Savage Love by Dan Savage. I think that out of this you’ll get a good sense that most people have no idea what the heck they should label themselves. Also I think you’ll learn this: Although the media sometimes portrays homosexuals as on the sexual fringe we aren’t even close. To make it to the fringe you usually need a lot more creativity and equipment.

SO! Ultimately, the romantic attraction will be really important. You want to find something that gives you both. Sexual attraction can be the easier part. If you rub two things together you can get a positive result. Romantic attraction can be a little more complicated. Sometimes your head and your junk just won’t be in agreement even if you decide you are totally one way or another. Hence the phrases, “I like you, but I don’t LIKE like you.”, “It’s not you it’s me”, and the ever popular, “YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME!” Finally, here is my cover my ass statement. I’m gay and have been down this road, so I’m just speaking from experience. Most of the time I’m just some comedian talking out of my ass. So, if shit gets really confusing check out your local resources. Here’s one site. And of course there are more. You sound like you are just in the “Huh, what’s that all about?” phase. That’s pretty normal. Also, if your parents aren’t the type to root around your things, keep a journal. You won’t regret that. From my experience though, I was much happier to have had “the talk” with my parents after I was more grounded in who I was, so if they are the type of parents that you tend to find elbow deep in your underwear drawer looking for drug paraphernalia, then keep that in mind.

Good luck!

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