Jessica Sutich

When you want a baby, which one of us will you choose? You do want kids right?

Ah, the biological time bomb that is lying wait in every woman’s womb. Causing the desperate need for a baby. To make a baby, hold babies, coo at babies, envy the babies strapped to the front of others, to line your kitchen drawers with babies… Do gays have that too? Well, I have entered my thirties and apparently I keep my uterus tucked in my wallet so that if I ever think of stashing a baby in it I will first see my bank statement and then I will think better of the whole affair.

I do get asked by some of my male friends every once in a while, which one of them I would choose as a father of my assumed eventual gayby. I like the idea of being asked and I don’t really like to give a solid answer. In a way I think it is nice to keep them feeling as though there is some subtle competition going on at all times. The truth is that I have a hard time factoring a dog into my life, let alone a baby. I am not sure if it is all wrapped up in gayness or a deeper selfishness that has nothing to do with who I sleep with.

I have made many jokes at the expense of babies over the years. If you are going to make a commercial rap to advertise baby safe haven then what else do you want me to do? People often assume that I hate babies and that it might have something to do with my gayness having broken my mothering instinct. I suppose I don’t help the matter by sneering at babies in coffee shops. I assure you though, I am not sneering at the babies, I am sneering at the parents. Especially if a parent has brought in a broken baby. You walk into a coffee shop with something that’s crying then you really need to turn around and shake that sucker until it quiets down, then come in and get your latte. See? It’s stuff like that and then all of a sudden people think that I’m a lesbian with broken nurturing abilities.

I argue that straight folk and gay folks are just the same when it comes to babies. Some want them, some don’t. The only difference is that some straight people end up with them out of boredom or habit. “Well, we have a house in the suburbs and other people seem to be doing this so I suppose we should stop using birth control.” The downside of that is that I think more straight people end up with babies because they were just strolling along this well beaten straight path and then boom, all of a sudden they realize that all of their hopes and dreams have been replaced by the needs of another. Gay folks have to jump over so many hurdles to get a baby, that by the time it ends up happening they have had more time for consideration of what that will mean.

If I was together with someone who was really awesome and we had gotten ourselves a nice Massachusetts marriage and both were pretty sure of what we wanted to be when we grew up. If we had this mythical thing that I have heard tale of, “savings”, then I might be talking babies all over the place. For now though, I am way too practical. On the other hand, I know some women, gay or straight— come hell or high water—they are making a human. Good for them. I know some straight folks who talk overpopulation. Good for them too. I don’t want to go alone into parenting. I know that if I raise a kid I am bound to screw up that kid at least a little, so if there is going to be one, then the poor thing should have as much on it’s side as it can. So who knows how gay factors in on this. I have a huge village instinct though. Stranger’s babies are kind of irritating. I don’t have much money, what if the strange baby comes in and tries to take too many of the village’s resources. My friend’s babies on the other hand, are pretty much more awesome than everyone else’s. I would take them in if awful things went down and when they are older I will offer them the same thing that I now offer their parents. One bailout from jail as long as there is a good story. If that’s not nurturing then I don’t know what is.