Jessica Sutich

Do lesbians say that they want to get into each other’s pants and do one-night-stands work the same way as with straight people or is it different because lesbian sex is more about give and take rather than using each other’s junk to get off?

Okay, I paraphrased this question and my apologies to the questioner if I got it wrong. Please feel free to comment if I’ve missed the central point and I will hit that again if you will. This leads me to another question that I have. Can lesbians say, “I want to hit that?” or am I missing the meaning. Not that I would ever say that as anything but a joke, but I am lost as to whether I am saying, “I would like to take my penis and hit your vagina with it” or if I’m saying, “I would like to hit a few bars and then hit ‘that’ whereby I mean I would like to both visit bars and your vagina.” I am not sure. Any clarification is welcome.

The first part of the question as to whether lesbians say, “I want to get into your pants” led me to wonder about this phrase in general. I know that women, thanks to the sexual revolution, no longer need to sit with ankles crossed and virginity guarded continually deflecting any advances upon the sacred vajayjay until marriage at which point they are to give up all rights, wants, and needs. Oh the 1950′s. What were people thinking? Yes, now women can walk up to men and say, “I want to get into your pants”. Men also can now say things like, “I’m not sure I’m ready”, and “do you love me? or do you LOVE, love me?”  I still do think that the phrase originates from the former time. A time when men represented an army and pants were territory which the army of men were trying to conquer and gain access to. It was less of a sexual come-on and more of a declaration. I want to get into your pants! I have brought a battering ram and will hit it against the door of your pants until I knock said door down! Then I will reign victorious, plant a flag, and go seek other pants!

The phrase now has changed connotation but I still think that in a way there is an idea of men conquering pants. When women use it, they also want to conquer pants, but I just think, conquering men’s pants? Where is the challenge? Let me in. Okay. Done. So where do lesbians join this mix? There are a variety of answers. To get at the main point though, if I say, “I want into your pants”, I don’t mean that I want access to your junk so that I can use it to meet the needs of my junk and then I will leave it behind like yesterday’s socks. I mean, I would like access to your pants for some reciprocal fun. So, in this way,  lesbians make a temporary peace treaty with pants. Beyond that, there is a sort of posturing that might be going on. Sometimes it’s fun to  make it seem like there is not a chance in hell that access to your pants will be granted and then finally wave the white dental dam of capitulation. Ah, dental dams, always makes me chuckle.

Which leads me to one night stands. I am a serial monogamist myself and one of the reasons is that I really hate one night stands. My hatred is not based on the sex at all. To a certain extent I think one night stands are the same for everyone. A way of saying, “My usual date is out of batteries so I suppose tonight, you’ll do. Please talk as little as possible.” It is the latter half of the statement that ruins it for me. If I meet you and I really want to get to know you, then I don’t want to jump right into bed with you. I want to try and find out more, build a friendship, get you some flowers, enjoy some awkwardness, and then jump into bed with you. If I don’t really want to get to know you then I definitely don’t want to ever have to talk to you while you are naked. This would then make me someone who might sleep with you and then sneak out after you have fallen asleep. Let’s be honest, I don’t even want to wait until you fall asleep. I know that other people feel differently. They look at someone and just say, “I want to hit that.” They then proceed to the hitting part and then after that, there is an opportunity to make some small talk. If it goes well then perhaps a beautiful two-night stand or at least an acceptable booty call relationship will be formed. I think that you are either interested in that or you aren’t. Straight or gay, you can go out and use each others’ bodies as temporary sex toys and you can use alcohol to make each other interesting enough to make it through the experience. My only caveat is this: you can wash your sex toys so that each experience is like the first time, people on the other hand, no matter how hard you scrub you just can’t be sure that they are sterile.

One more thought came up while I was writing this. I was watching the news and I saw a lovely lesbian talking to Barney Frank. As often happens, I was not focused on what was happening at first. I used only visual cues and so I concluded that this cute lesbian must be talking to Barney Frank about gay marriage or something that I believe in. How nice. Dartmouth? I wonder if she is a graduate student there. Then I paused and was puzzled as to why she was so angry because she and Barney Frank would clearly agree about gay marriage. Then I wondered why she had just said Nazi. So, I watched it again and I realized that she was crazytrain. How sad, right? Then I realized, oh my God! What if I picked her up and thought I am going to conquer your pants. Then there I am, having the post pants conquering small talk and she says, “Well, I live in Dartmouth, I like dogs but I’m allergic to cats, and I’m a Lyndon LaRouche supporter and Obama is like Hitler.” Whoa!!! I mean why not just say that and then pull out your Valtrex prescription? No thank you folks. I’m just not into it. I support healthcare reform and I don’t care how good Valtrex makes you at kayaking, I am only looking for pants that get to know each other a little first.