Jessica Sutich

Why do lesbians wear cargo shorts? And more recently, plaid shorts? Are we in Bermuda?

I received this question via email. First let me ask: Do people in Bermuda wear Bermuda shorts?

In order to answer this question I am going to go put on my plaid shorts to feel more in the right mindset. Okay, much better.

My first instinct was that lesbians wear cargo shorts because we like a lot of convenient pockets. I did a little research and the blog, Grace the Spot: Stuff Lesbians Like—a good read also—confirmed that thought in an article on Board Shorts. She mentions that lesbians don’t carry purses and so they must have many pockets. On further reflection however, I realized that lesbians do carry purses but they call them messenger bags. I carry my non-purse with me pretty much wherever I go even if I have on cargo shorts. I began to wonder why it is that lesbians are always carrying so many things. We are supposed to be the low-maintenance gays and yet for some reason a gay man can leave the house in tight jeans and a tiny jacket and have nothing with him but a cell phone and a pack of gum and he can work with this until well into the wee hours of the morning. Lesbians on the other hand seem to need pockets and messenger bags and in the winter perhaps a ski jacket. I have actually had to have a friend call my phone so that I could locate it within the intricate warren of pockets that I have on my person. So on the convenience factor one reason we like cargo shorts is that in general we like pockets and being prepared.

I believe however, that there is something else going on. Cargo shorts, board shorts, and the new popular plaid shorts (lesbians have always loved plaid) all offer comfort and that sexy sporty look . The look that says “I am ready to go to a club or hang out at a beach, and I probably am carrying something in one of these pockets that can open your beer.” Because groups of people influence one another towards certain styles, the looks that lesbians agreed upon all focus on a convenient and comfortable relaxed style. This is because lesbians like each other and want to date one another. Straight women influence one another to wear slouch high heeled boots
boots, spandex jeans
jeans and jeans jacket shrugs
shrug?. This is because ultimately they hate each other because of the competition built into straight female friendships. Have you ever seen a pack of straight women hobbling along in tight jeans and uncomfortable heels while continuing to encourage more and more drinking? Clearly they are hoping that one of the weaker ones will fall off from the pack. They therefore continue to influence one another to wear sillier and sillier things until something like this happens (If you look through some of the pics at this Flickr site you can see some good examples of different ways straight women have hated each other over the years).

One final thought that occurred to me. It could just be positive evolution. In the 80′s lesbians wore fanny packs and plaid flannel. Now messenger bags and plaid shorts just shows a positive move forward. I thank the internet.