Jessica Sutich

Over the summer, I had one of those “kind of” relationships with someone of the same sex, who I thought was gay. We didn’t really go much past kissing, but we had an emotional connection and it seemed like we might have gone somewhere else… if you know what I mean. All of a sudden though, he got a girlfriend and sooner or later he broke it to me that we should “stop lying to ourselves” even though we had both proclaimed love for one another, and he stated “I’ve had three girlfriends for over eight months, and not one of them had I said I love. So far you have been the first and only.” I know his parents are large homophobes and I was wondering if he merely obtained her as a “cover-up” seeing how their whole relationship is mostly via text. I’ve even lied for him a couple times in order for him to leave with me to get away from her when she just shows up places. Recently, he also composed the idea of spending the rest of his life with me in Paris… what? Isn’t the whole “There’s no one I’d rather spend the rest of my life with than you” chat for someone you love and well… plan to spend the rest of your life with? My biggest fear is that he ended us because when he did start going out with that girl, he still wanted to kiss me and such, but I felt so embarrassed I said “Maybe it wasn’t you I was in love with, but the thought of being in love” and that may have given him the impression I’m not gay, because we both often evaded the subject. Still, if he felt that way, wouldn’t he have not dated her in the first place? Or did he just pick her out of the bunch for a cover-up since his parents were suspicious of me? I’ve also heard from one of his longer relationships in the past that she offered many forms of sexual pleasure, but he denied it because he thought it was “gross”. Please, I don’t know much about this whole dating business because he was my first and only love, so if you can give me some advice, that would be great! Is this boy merely trying to hide because he’s scared of his parents and thinks I don’t REALLY love him that way, or was I really just a month long fling that he all of a sudden wishes to spend the rest of his life with, even though he has a girlfriend currently? Should I tell him that I realized I really do love him? I still want to be friends, but I’d really like to be something more again, and of course, as most thoughts do, it consumes my life. Thank you in advance and sorry for rambling!

Oh dear. Well, the long and short of this is forget this guy and move on. I will say more on this, but there it is. Actually, forget anyone who dates you for a month, starts dating someone else, and then talks about being game to run away to another country to have a secret life with you devoid of all contact with those troublesome people who might judge your forbidden love. Bad sign.

To get into this a bit more let’s start with him being your first and only love. Here’s some good news: there will be other loves and greater loves. Loves that go way past kissing and leave you a wreck. Some will totally be 100% gay. Some will be more in love with you than you are with them. There are people who marry their first and only love, but they sure as hell have less stories than the rest of us; and they don’t understand romantic comedies. Now let’s talk about you apart from this guy and his cover-girl. Are you comfortable with being gay? Why are you evading the subject? Perhaps it would be a good idea to use this relationship as an exploratory mission that might inspire you to start hanging out at some gay clubs and meeting people who are out and comfortable with being out. Then you can become more grounded in who you are. That is never a bad thing especially if you discover yourself in a relationship with someone who is questioning. So basically, have some more loves and see how those go. Hell, go to Paris without this dude. Have some French flings. Why the hell not! Own it!

Next up. Straight folks who have homosexual encounters. Yes, I am sticking with the phrase homosexual encounters. Like galiens coming down to whisk you out of your pick-up truck, engage in some probing explorations, and then leave you in the midst of unexplained crop circles with “questions”. I am a big fan of the sliding scale of sexuality and everyone who knows me, knows I love the chase of the undecided girl. Beware of this though, it can really mess you up. Mostly because once you do all the work and figure out who you are and you have told all of the people who are important to tell, and you are living up your awesome gay life, it can present problems in getting together with someone who hasn’t done all of that work. It is something like being sent back to the beginning in Candyland. Sure it’s a fun game but wouldn’t it be much more fun to get to the end already and just go have sex? All right, perhaps it’s only a little bit like Candyland. No matter what it can be an emotional choice to make, so if you are going to go that route you definitely need to be grounded in who you are.

Finally, regarding the huge homophobes and this guy. I will start off by saying this about huge homophobe parents. They can surprise you. Really. Watch “For The Bible Tells Me So”. It’s a good flick and shows that people do surprise you in good ways sometimes. As for the guy, his girlfriends, and his suggestion that you run away to Paris he sounds like he needs to get his life in order. (Sidenote to the girl who is dating him: if he runs away every time you show up up at a party unannounced, dump him.) It sounds like even if you told him that you were in love with him that you two probably wouldn’t live happily ever after so I wouldn’t obsess about that. If you need to tell him though, to get it out of your head, then just try to not make it overly dramatic. You will be thankful later on for your cool reserved behavior. That being said, let me take a moment to apologize to everyone I have ever dated for not having cool and reserved behavior. Hopefully this was a fun little fling for you. Now go write some tragic journal entries and then go out and meet some new boys. Oh, and be safe. But that’s enough PSA out of me.

I often hear anti-gay commentators and politicians refer to the “Gay Lifestyle” or “Alternate Lifestyle”. Also there is often a strong implication that people who “choose” this “lifestyle” try to indoctrinate others. This is often given as a reason why gays can’t be teachers. Shouldn’t there be a strong effort to convince people that homosexuals don’t “choose” this and it’s not just a “style”? Does it annoy you when you hear homosexuality referred to in this way?

Well, the title of this entry is going to piss people off. Don’t worry though, it’s just an example of Alt Comedy. And while I write this I will listen to some Alt Music. Let me put on “The Killers”. Then instead of taking aspirin, I am going to call my acupuncture specialist. Okay now. I am officially living an Alternative Lifestyle. Because of the comedy, the music choices, the whacky Asian medicinal techniques, and of course also the gay sex.

It is interesting that there is a gay lifestyle but there isn’t really a straight lifestyle. Also, if being gay is one alternative then in a way being straight is another, so now we are all living lifestyle alternatives. It is annoying to hear homosexuality referred to as a “style”. It is also annoying to me that homosexuals have to come out to people. Maybe being a homosexual begins to seem like something of a lifestyle choice because it involves so much announcing. It becomes such a big topic of conversation that I could almost start a blog about it. Hmmm….

Of course being gay is not a choice. Go to some reputable medical journals and read about it. It isn’t a choice. It also doesn’t have any affect on your adopted kids, your non-adopted kids, teachers won’t turn students gay, and most molesters are straight white men. The studies have been done. Articles have been written. The facts are out there and I could go door to door like a Mormon about it. Sometimes I wonder if that wouldn’t be an interesting project. I think that it’s an easier story to swallow. No magic stones, no great white God of ancient America. Just academic studies with facts and graphs. And that is the problem.

Americans don’t trust science. Okay, some Americans trust science, but a lot don’t. Academic studies? People don’t like them. This is a country that believes in Intelligent design, that global warming is made up, that lunchables are food… It’s hard to sell science. Especially science that says things like, “gay people are just born that way” or “gay people don’t really cause any developmental issues by interacting with kids”. When “science” says stuff like, “scientists turn fruitflies gay and then straight again!” (thank you Fox “news”) that is when people are all ears. Why? Because that is when science sounds like magic and people like magic. I would do better going door to door with a magical elixir that can turn you straight in 7-10 days, than I would striking the pavement with the JAMA. Sounds jaded, but sadly, I think it’s true. Also, if I tried to tell everyone that being gay was scientifically proven to be biological and okay, then people would just think I was trying to indoctrinate people and get them to buy into the gay lifestyle. It’s still important to get the scientific info out there, but it will be a slow process getting people to believe it. The Catholic Church forgave Galileo in 1992. Change is slow.

Here is what I will offer up. I’m gay. Churches of the world please pray for me! Pray me straight. Why not? What do I care if it works? If you pray me straight then for me I’ll just wake up tomorrow with different dating choices…and a new topic for a blog.

Hey,

I’m 17 years old, and have refereed to myself as bi-sexual since I was about 13. Recently though, I kind of felt that being gay fit better. I don’t call myself lesbian for the same reason I don’t call myself bi – I don’t like the connotations. I prefer “gay woman”.

However, despite the fact that I’m literally afraid of penis, and I’m more attracted to women than men, I am occasionally attracted to boys. I usually see myself dating/being in love with girls, whereas I just hook up with boys when I’m bored. Sorry this is kind of long and rambling, I just want to know, can I still call myself gay, or is that like, offensive? It makes me feel more comfortable, but I don’t want to politically incorrect or something, lol.
Thanks.

First, let me say congratulations on knowing anything at thirteen. I remember thirteen as being a bleak and confusing time during which I pretended to enjoy boy bands. This ended up being a blow to both my dating life and my music collection.

As for whether it is offensive to call yourself gay even though you hook up with boys when you are bored, I am going to go with a no. I still hook up with boys when I’m bored—I guess I should say, men to confirm that I am not some cradle robbing cougar. What can I say, it can be fun. I also like to tell them after we kiss that I am now totally straight again. I figure why not give them the win? In the end though, I have my epic love affairs with women (they are epic, trust me). There are folks out there who have never strayed from straight and others who have never wavered in their gayness. I think that is great. I have a friend who is so straight that although she is very attractive her straightness acts almost as a repellent. Thinking about kissing her seems like kissing a brother. Yuck. For the rest of us, sexuality has a continuum. You sound pretty comfortable as a gay woman so I would say call yourself whatever makes you feel comfortable. It is definitely not offensive that you call yourself gay even if you say it while making out with a dude.

That said, there are some people who will be offended that you call yourself gay. Some people will also wonder “what your deal is” when you hook up with guys. Some guys that you hook up with also might end up thinking that you are “not really gay” or that for some reason sleeping with women is something that you do as a turn-on for them. People will find a bunch of different ways to judge your actions and the language you use and all of that. I have found that as long as I know what my deal is that it doesn’t really matter. I also call myself gay, but I don’t mind being called a lesbian. I try to figure out where people are coming from and if they are working on being understanding and accepting then I’ll give them a pass on some possibly “off” questions. I also am understanding of people who are really adamant about terminology. I am just not as caught up in it.

As a final note, you mentioned that you are “literally scared of the penis”. I am going to say a few things on this. First, here are a few good reasons to be scared of penises. They can get you pregnant which sucks when you are seventeen. Actually, getting pregnant sucks until that point in which you want to get pregnant and can afford the 18-21 (35?) years of financial commitment that goes with the result. Penises also can give you some rather unpleasant STDs, some which can kill you and some which just never go away. Vaginas can too so I guess that is just a general warning against other people’s junk. Valtrex might want you to believe that it’s all kayaking and walks on the beach but it just has so much more to do with oozing than that. Penises can also be attached to people who want to stick them places for all of the wrong reasons and once they get going, they can be real assholes about it. Also, since you consider yourself to be gay, you might not want to get overly involved with a penis because it can really suck to end up with an ironic pregnancy. (”Wait. WHO did you say was pregnant?” “Yup, that gay girl.” “Huh, isn’t it ironic?”) That said I don’t really think they are something to be scared of. They can be attached to some great people, they can get to some hard to reach places, and they do have an endearing eagerness to them. If you start to think about it, there is something sort of ridiculous about everyone’s junk. Watch a naked man jump up and down. It really stops being scary and starts to just be funny. I only mention this because if you fall for someone then you will most likely fall for every ridiculous part of them, so it sounds like you just haven’t ever fallen for a boy. That is definitely fine, but ultimately it’s not penises that are scary it’s brains and the many complicated ways that people find to mess with one another’s hearts. Thus we have the entire works of Journey.

What is the “Q” in LGBTQ?

Good question! It means questioning. By writing you are now Q. Welcome to the club. I also, as is reflected in this post title, often accidentally say LGBTA because I live in Boston and I ride on the MBTA. There is no Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual Transit Authority though—did he ever bareback, no he never barebacked and his fate is still unlearned.

I originally thought that the “Q” meant “queer” as some folks use that word as opposed to the L, G, B, or T and it can mean that. Actually, the T can also mean transexual, transgender, or two-spirited. So this leads to another question. Is the queer community slowly but surely taking over the alphabet? Yes. Soon the whole alphabet will be queer. And once we own language then we will call things whatever we want. Is it marriage? Well let’s just check. Are all of the letters in the word marriage gay? Yes, they are so I suppose that it is a gay marriage. We are a tricky bunch. While I was writing this I also made the letter “Z” gay. Sorry straight folks, you are going to either going to have to accept the new lexicon or go learn the cyrillic alphabet. I would offer you the greek alphabet but that has been gay for centuries. Greeks have an entire island of lesbians. Much to their chagrin.

Language is difficult to keep track of. I am in my thirties now, so I will officially never be able to use any new slang without immediately making it a little less cool. So now you can define yourself as questioning, whereas back when I was in college (a sentence that just made me even older) you weren’t questioning, you were on anti-depressants and hopelessly in the closet. Then bisexual. Then gay. Questioning sounds much more laid back.

So what is this same-sex marriage all about anyway? Why do the gays want to get married? Will same-sex marriage ruin straight marriage for everyone else?

Tomorrow Maine will vote on Question 1. Voters will decide whether to overturn the law which approves same-sex marriage. So here we stand. We the people who fail to learn anything from history. Hey, there is always another group of people to discriminate against, right?

Marriage. I have often said that I don’t believe anyone should be able to get married. I think that the state should only be able to hand out civil unions to folks and then you can go to whatever mosque, temple, church, beach, VFW, parish, meeting house, satanic den, that you want to and battle it out there. I really want to oust God from the law books. God is just dangerous when he gets involved in the law. It is such a short skip from mixing church and state to Quakers hanging on Boston Common or say, Protestant heads on stakes. I prefer to draw a thick line betwixt the two. Currently though, marriage is still the language we use and these days since you can’t seem to become president unless you talk about how much you love going to church, we are going to battle this thing out in a long and drawn out emotional and frustrating way. That is the way we do social change. Abolition, suffrage, desegregation, gay marriage…unfortunately the pathway to equality does always seem to be paved with some of the ugliest words and acts. So here we go again.

I personally, do want to get married at some point. Mostly what I want is to get married and have people shut up, smile and say congratulations. Can I put that on invitations? You might think that I am going to hell, and you might think that I am tearing apart the god loving fabric of American society, but mostly what I am doing is wishing that you would hush and worry about your own life. Maybe I think you are going to hell too. If you read the bible just right, you can find a passage in there that pretty much condemns everyone. Maybe I think you are tearing the fabric of American society apart by worrying about the wrong problems. At least I have the sense and decorum to smile thinly at you and wait until I am at home to talk about you. So you go to church and drink the blood of Christ and I go to brunch and drink Bloody Marys. So what. Let’s just all calm down and save our “I told you sos” for the afterlife. There will be the time. For now I think it is important to focus on our commonalities.It’s so much more civil.

I also think that it is important to remember that this affects more than just the gay folks. For example, if you are friends with me and we get rid of gay marriage then there is a good possibility that I will just keep going to your weddings and drinking from your open bars and I will never offer you my own open bar wedding for you to abuse. It also affects our entire society because when we accept discrimination against one group we open up the door to discrimination against others. Battles are won when we as a whole decide to abhor oppression of anyone. Although, one of my wishes is for each republican to have a gay child, it also helps to remember that as long as you are not sure who will be in power next it is always useful to be kind to everyone. It really does help to avoid not having things come around to bite you in the ass later.

So tomorrow, come on Maine. Do the right thing. I mean we northerners have always been good at understanding that what you do to keep yourself warm through the winter months is your own business, right?

What is a tea dance?

Okay, I admit it, I asked this question. A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go with him to a bear themed tea dance at a local bar at which point I asked what that was. Not the bear part, I know about that. They have their own flag and a delightful term for long-term partners, “husbear”. However, tea dance was new to me. I was faced with a pitying shake of the head and I was told that I had never been on a proper gaycation.

A tea dance, in simplest terms, is a party that starts in the early afternoon. Minus clotted cream, plus men in drag. It’s origins trace back to the French colonization of Morocco, thé dansant, and clearly if I had ever spent any reputable amount of time in P-town, then I would know of these events. I, however, have not. Which is a shame as I believe P-town is where the Boston lesbians are. There and perhaps Jamaica Plain, but I live in Cambridge, and so with the convenience of the high-speed ferry it is faster to get to P-Town.

It is unfortunately soon to be November though, so it looks like it will be a while before I have my proper gaycation. In the meantime, I would like to take a brief pause and answer a question that I believe is haunting this post. Are gay men more fun than lesbians? No. However, gay men as a whole, are more keen on casual naked time than lesbians as a whole. I am stating that broadly as I am sure that I can find a whole bunch of loose ladies and strictly monogamous men. I know it. Gay men with fleece clad babies strapped on in baby bjorns and lesbians with strap-ons with leather clad babes. Celebrate diversity. I am talking more in the realm of noticed trends. It is possible that the interest in casual naked time tends to lead to finding as many excuses to have a dance party as humanly possible. Lesbians may also enjoy dance parties and casual naked time, but it is not as much an inherent drive and so sometimes gay men look more fun than lesbians.

This might seem like I am diverging from my don’t get hung up on stereotypes argument, but that’s not true. I still think people are much deeper than the stereotypes that cling to their social groups. On the other hand it would be remiss of me to ignore such things dreamed up by gay men as Grindr. This is an iPhone application that allows you to find out how many feet away the nearest gay man is who might be available for naked time. “A mile-and-a-half? What kind of long distance drama do you think I want to get involved in? 546 feet? Much better.”Once you pick the closest fella, you can do things like chat with him, ask him to join you for a drink, send him a picture of your penis… Things like that. So gay men do seem to have a large percentage of their population looking at things and saying, “how can this be used for casual sex?” and casual sex may have many different connotations in society, but it does lead to meeting new people! “Here’s a picture of my penis want to join me at the tea dance later on?” Lesbians on the other hand have no idea how many feet away a brief bout of canoodling may be as the iphone app, VaJJ has yet to be created. This therefore keeps me from being able to say to that special and proximal person, “Hello, here’s my vagina,” which of course means that although I now know what a tea dance is, I have no one to bring to it.

When you want a baby, which one of us will you choose? You do want kids right?

Ah, the biological time bomb that is lying wait in every woman’s womb. Causing the desperate need for a baby. To make a baby, hold babies, coo at babies, envy the babies strapped to the front of others, to line your kitchen drawers with babies… Do gays have that too? Well, I have entered my thirties and apparently I keep my uterus tucked in my wallet so that if I ever think of stashing a baby in it I will first see my bank statement and then I will think better of the whole affair.

I do get asked by some of my male friends every once in a while, which one of them I would choose as a father of my assumed eventual gayby. I like the idea of being asked and I don’t really like to give a solid answer. In a way I think it is nice to keep them feeling as though there is some subtle competition going on at all times. The truth is that I have a hard time factoring a dog into my life, let alone a baby. I am not sure if it is all wrapped up in gayness or a deeper selfishness that has nothing to do with who I sleep with.

I have made many jokes at the expense of babies over the years. If you are going to make a commercial rap to advertise baby safe haven then what else do you want me to do? People often assume that I hate babies and that it might have something to do with my gayness having broken my mothering instinct. I suppose I don’t help the matter by sneering at babies in coffee shops. I assure you though, I am not sneering at the babies, I am sneering at the parents. Especially if a parent has brought in a broken baby. You walk into a coffee shop with something that’s crying then you really need to turn around and shake that sucker until it quiets down, then come in and get your latte. See? It’s stuff like that and then all of a sudden people think that I’m a lesbian with broken nurturing abilities.

I argue that straight folk and gay folks are just the same when it comes to babies. Some want them, some don’t. The only difference is that some straight people end up with them out of boredom or habit. “Well, we have a house in the suburbs and other people seem to be doing this so I suppose we should stop using birth control.” The downside of that is that I think more straight people end up with babies because they were just strolling along this well beaten straight path and then boom, all of a sudden they realize that all of their hopes and dreams have been replaced by the needs of another. Gay folks have to jump over so many hurdles to get a baby, that by the time it ends up happening they have had more time for consideration of what that will mean.

If I was together with someone who was really awesome and we had gotten ourselves a nice Massachusetts marriage and both were pretty sure of what we wanted to be when we grew up. If we had this mythical thing that I have heard tale of, “savings”, then I might be talking babies all over the place. For now though, I am way too practical. On the other hand, I know some women, gay or straight— come hell or high water—they are making a human. Good for them. I know some straight folks who talk overpopulation. Good for them too. I don’t want to go alone into parenting. I know that if I raise a kid I am bound to screw up that kid at least a little, so if there is going to be one, then the poor thing should have as much on it’s side as it can. So who knows how gay factors in on this. I have a huge village instinct though. Stranger’s babies are kind of irritating. I don’t have much money, what if the strange baby comes in and tries to take too many of the village’s resources. My friend’s babies on the other hand, are pretty much more awesome than everyone else’s. I would take them in if awful things went down and when they are older I will offer them the same thing that I now offer their parents. One bailout from jail as long as there is a good story. If that’s not nurturing then I don’t know what is.

Do gay men really dislike lesbians?

I keep hearing that this is true. Actually, last night I was informed that gay men don’t like lesbians because they have no style. I was hurt. I had product in my hair. What more do you want?

To determine the validity of the statement I decided to search beyond the internet. I went and spent a week sleeping in the same bed as a gay man. Just think of me as Jane Goodall but with bears. At no point did he seem to startle at the sight of me. There was no fear response nor was there an anger response. At first he didn’t even seem to notice me. Then I gained his trust, and eventually, I even coaxed him to have a drink with me. At the end of the week I concluded that gay men don’t really dislike lesbians.

Actually, the friend I was staying with (on the cheap in a small space, thus the shared bed) has been a good friend of mine for years. He probably knows more lesbians than I do. And gets along with them fine. I seem to have a bunch of straight male friends. What does that make me? I looked on-line to see if there was a term and all I could find was “lezbro”, which is a straight man with a bunch of lesbian friends. That’s not quite right. I actually wish that it was, as they might be able to introduce me to someone that I could date. I also found a lot of terms for straight women with a bunch of gay male friends ranging from the old standard, “fag-hag”, to “fruit fly”, which according to the Urban Dictionary has many shades of meaning. One narrowed a fruit fly down to being between the ages of 13 and 27. At 28, you are apparently a hag. In searching that term I also came up with a report by Fox “News”, “Scientists make fruit flies gay then straight again.” So there you have it, if you are worried about your kids becoming gay do not let them hang around with scientists, but if they are gay, then go get a scientist. Quickly! It goes on to say that drugs and genetic manipulation in fruit flies can turn homosexuality on and off in a matter of hours. Good and bad news I suppose considering the life span of a fruit fly. Anyway, I suppose the fact that I didn’t find a bunch of terms for lesbians and gays that are great friends it is either less common or it is less interesting to talk about. Boring: That gay man and that lesbian share common interests and enjoy hanging out. Interesting: That straight woman used to date Drew who now dates John but she is still in love with Drew.  Conflict sells.

More findings from my Bears in the Mist studies? I had the pleasure a few years back to go to a Mr. Bear New England competition. I was the only female there. Usually if I am the only female somewhere I take it as a danger sign. Or at least a time to become wary. In this case everyone was delightful. Even more so once they find out that I am a lesbian. One man suggested that lesbians should have a Mrs. Bear New England showing off hairy women. I am not into it, but he was very enthusiastic and clearly trying to find our commonalities. I shave, but I get where he was going with it.

So maybe I am investigating the wrong kind of gay man. Maybe bears like lesbians but all other gay men hate them. Seemingly not so though. I met a delightful gay man who works at a local television station and even in his tiny jackets and very stylish jeans, he still failed to hate me even after I revealed that I liked the ladies.

So do all gay men hate lesbians? No. Most don’t. Do SOME gay men hate lesbians? Yes. Some gay men hate everyone. Some gay men hate themselves. Some just say they hate lesbians because they are in a club and cattiness is just another way to accessorize and outfit.

Do lesbians say that they want to get into each other’s pants and do one-night-stands work the same way as with straight people or is it different because lesbian sex is more about give and take rather than using each other’s junk to get off?

Okay, I paraphrased this question and my apologies to the questioner if I got it wrong. Please feel free to comment if I’ve missed the central point and I will hit that again if you will. This leads me to another question that I have. Can lesbians say, “I want to hit that?” or am I missing the meaning. Not that I would ever say that as anything but a joke, but I am lost as to whether I am saying, “I would like to take my penis and hit your vagina with it” or if I’m saying, “I would like to hit a few bars and then hit ‘that’ whereby I mean I would like to both visit bars and your vagina.” I am not sure. Any clarification is welcome.

The first part of the question as to whether lesbians say, “I want to get into your pants” led me to wonder about this phrase in general. I know that women, thanks to the sexual revolution, no longer need to sit with ankles crossed and virginity guarded continually deflecting any advances upon the sacred vajayjay until marriage at which point they are to give up all rights, wants, and needs. Oh the 1950’s. What were people thinking? Yes, now women can walk up to men and say, “I want to get into your pants”. Men also can now say things like, “I’m not sure I’m ready”, and “do you love me? or do you LOVE, love me?”  I still do think that the phrase originates from the former time. A time when men represented an army and pants were territory which the army of men were trying to conquer and gain access to. It was less of a sexual come-on and more of a declaration. I want to get into your pants! I have brought a battering ram and will hit it against the door of your pants until I knock said door down! Then I will reign victorious, plant a flag, and go seek other pants!

The phrase now has changed connotation but I still think that in a way there is an idea of men conquering pants. When women use it, they also want to conquer pants, but I just think, conquering men’s pants? Where is the challenge? Let me in. Okay. Done. So where do lesbians join this mix? There are a variety of answers. To get at the main point though, if I say, “I want into your pants”, I don’t mean that I want access to your junk so that I can use it to meet the needs of my junk and then I will leave it behind like yesterday’s socks. I mean, I would like access to your pants for some reciprocal fun. So, in this way,  lesbians make a temporary peace treaty with pants. Beyond that, there is a sort of posturing that might be going on. Sometimes it’s fun to  make it seem like there is not a chance in hell that access to your pants will be granted and then finally wave the white dental dam of capitulation. Ah, dental dams, always makes me chuckle.

Which leads me to one night stands. I am a serial monogamist myself and one of the reasons is that I really hate one night stands. My hatred is not based on the sex at all. To a certain extent I think one night stands are the same for everyone. A way of saying, “My usual date is out of batteries so I suppose tonight, you’ll do. Please talk as little as possible.” It is the latter half of the statement that ruins it for me. If I meet you and I really want to get to know you, then I don’t want to jump right into bed with you. I want to try and find out more, build a friendship, get you some flowers, enjoy some awkwardness, and then jump into bed with you. If I don’t really want to get to know you then I definitely don’t want to ever have to talk to you while you are naked. This would then make me someone who might sleep with you and then sneak out after you have fallen asleep. Let’s be honest, I don’t even want to wait until you fall asleep. I know that other people feel differently. They look at someone and just say, “I want to hit that.” They then proceed to the hitting part and then after that, there is an opportunity to make some small talk. If it goes well then perhaps a beautiful two-night stand or at least an acceptable booty call relationship will be formed. I think that you are either interested in that or you aren’t. Straight or gay, you can go out and use each others’ bodies as temporary sex toys and you can use alcohol to make each other interesting enough to make it through the experience. My only caveat is this: you can wash your sex toys so that each experience is like the first time, people on the other hand, no matter how hard you scrub you just can’t be sure that they are sterile.

One more thought came up while I was writing this. I was watching the news and I saw a lovely lesbian talking to Barney Frank. As often happens, I was not focused on what was happening at first. I used only visual cues and so I concluded that this cute lesbian must be talking to Barney Frank about gay marriage or something that I believe in. How nice. Dartmouth? I wonder if she is a graduate student there. Then I paused and was puzzled as to why she was so angry because she and Barney Frank would clearly agree about gay marriage. Then I wondered why she had just said Nazi. So, I watched it again and I realized that she was crazytrain. How sad, right? Then I realized, oh my God! What if I picked her up and thought I am going to conquer your pants. Then there I am, having the post pants conquering small talk and she says, “Well, I live in Dartmouth, I like dogs but I’m allergic to cats, and I’m a Lyndon LaRouche supporter and Obama is like Hitler.” Whoa!!! I mean why not just say that and then pull out your Valtrex prescription? No thank you folks. I’m just not into it. I support healthcare reform and I don’t care how good Valtrex makes you at kayaking, I am only looking for pants that get to know each other a little first.

As promised in an earlier post…

Now it’s time for Fun with Gender Neutral Pronouns!!

I am really tolerant, trust me, and yet for some reason I have a hard time incorporating gender neutral pronouns into my language. I seldom take the politically correct high road and ask the question of a new group of people, “which gender pronouns would you all like to use?” (Although that would be a GREAT ice breaker at parties.) I do however, believe that language is important and how a society refers to different groups and individuals often reflects the value that groups are given within that society. Women used to be referred to using diminutive terms and that reflected how women were viewed. Of course arguments can be made that even after language changes we still have a long way to go. So while I continue to piss off the gender free linguists of the world, let’s talk pronouns.

My first round of searches made me think I should go a little lighter on myself regarding my PC nature. One page started with the question of why people are resistant to gender-neutral pronouns and then the next sentence was, “rather than try to give a single compact answer here, i decided to write a long multifaceted thing resembling a Usenet thread.” It was indeed long and I gave in. There weren’t even any graphics. I was simultaneously being asked to move into the future by changing my language and read something that seemed like I pulled it off of ARPANET. I got as far as reading about how even capitalizing “I” was a bit offensive and I fled.

So the first thing I learned was that if you want me to start using your neologisms then you need to make some pop songs, sitcoms, fancy web sites, and youtube videos. This is where I learn new language from. Hello, “bling”? So get on that.

I then stumbled upon something called “Spivak” pronouns. Immediately after that I went to IMDB because I thought that Spivak might have been Sean Penn’s name in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”. It was Spicoli. I think that Spivak might make a good insult. “Way to go Spivak.” Until that catches on, Spivak pronouns will make you sound Cockney. “E was selling matches in London, when ey decided to take eir in and teach eir proper English. Ey enjoyed eirselves quite a bit.” Michael Spivak, a mathematician and author wrote about these forms. He wrote such books as, “The Joy of TeX” and “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Calculus”. These pronouns have caught on some in the virtual gaming world. Which reminds me that at some point in the future I would like to take on the question of how gay you are if you are straight in real life but gay in second life.

Another construct is to use “ze/sie” and “hir” to replace “he/she” and “him/her”. My first encounter with using these words happened while talking with someone who was gender queer (neither identifying as male or female). I went in with a great deal of hope that I would change my speech seamlessly and leave patting myself on the back for my free to be you and me spirit. Unfortunately, my tolerance tends decrease each time someone tells you they are a vegan and absolutely plummets when someone uses the word, “lover” seriously. So that encounter was ill-fated. I was inclined to learn more though which is good. This site does a good run-down of different gender identities some of which would call on your gender-neutral pronoun usage skillz. It also introduces something I didn’t know about, the “Two Spirit”, a Native American person who embodies both masculine and feminine genders. Would you have to take their picture twice to steal their soul or are they intertwined? So many questions, so many offensive questions. Which leads me to this.

Tolerance and understanding are key. It is really important to keep an open mind and as quoted by Henry James, “Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind, the second is to be kind, and the third is to be kind.” I believe it is also a good idea to try and start difficult conversations by finding out what we have in common and then go from there instead of the all at once method. If I wanted to tell my mother that was dating an alien, I might start off by talking to her about how much we both like stargazing. This would give her time to process my intergalactic relationship (I am not dating an alien). We need to give people time to process and accept that people do it at different rates and in different ways. Now I am off to go find a gender-neutral pal willing to share a bowl of bacon with me while we discuss my Two Spirit questions.