Ask a Gay!

Hey, life is confusing, but we can all get along—through humor, ridiculous projects, and understanding. Feel free to send questions from here or email questionsgohere@gmail.com. I’ll answer them!

At some point in time politicians were honest, right?

Dear Ask a Gay,

I’m going to be building a website for a political candidates upcoming campaign and of course we will want to say stuff to make fun of the other candidate. So how do I make sure that they don’t use fancy computer tactics to counter our smear campaign?

Okay, let me be honest here—this was not a question that was sent to me and I rephrased the last sentence. HOWEVER, last night I was at a WordPress Meetup (I’m very multifaceted) and this question was asked in regards to, as he put it, “someone running for a senate seat in a nearby state.” So after he snipped my last thread of hope, I decided that he asked the question in a room where I was sitting so inadvertently he DID ask a gay.

Here’s what I’ve got. I would like to think that he was asking this question regarding a Republican candidate and that Democratic candidates would never stoop so low. Unfortunately, Democrats also stoop this low, they just don’t do it as effectively.  Green party candidates probably also stoop this low, but try to slam the other candidates by pointing out that they are not vegans, right guys? Right? Check out that non-vegan. Ha! Where are your renewable resources buddy? Sorry green party, I want to be a member, but since I like to watch late season games and still have a team in there to root for you are going to have to wait.

The general response in the room was disbelief. Not that it happens but that he said it in such a blatant manner. This is the plan, the grand political strategy. The plan didn’t seem to be making sure there were solid political ideas and an agenda for change and improvement in people’s lives. The plan was to take whatever the other jerk says and make fun of it. As this seems to be the plan for both sides it becomes clear why no one really seems to say that much. They just say nothing in a loud and passionate way. Then in the final moments before it’s time to vote we have a quick airing of dirty laundry, trade sex scandals for each side, everyone agrees that gay marriage is not okay but the Republican candidate makes sure to hate it more and we vote. We all walk away with a distrust and disappointment in politics along with the general malaise that comes from feeling like your vote doesn’t really matter that much anyway and then we go back to watching So You Think You Can Dance.

A while back, I proposed that all political debates and elections should be turned into a call in to vote reality show. As we see that currently not much effort is really being put forth right now as it is, why not mix it up and have a little singing, a little dancing, and maybe make each candidate have to live for a month with one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey? In some bizarre way I think that we would learn a great deal more about political agendas in this way. Does Richard Shelby do a soulful rendition of Memories? Does Rand Paul perform a dance number in black face? Will John Kerry get run over by a New Jersey housewife (a real one) when she mistakes him for a tree in her yard? Hijinks abound. At the end everyone gets to vote via text message, up to 10 votes per person, and we call it an election. Where should the line between the validity of the political system and getting the buy-in of the American people be drawn? Who’s to say?

In the mean time my answer to the guy at the top. You fail because you aren’t supposed to own up to it. I just fired you. Everyone else, go out and read some Matt Taibbi. I suggest the “Great Derangement”. You won’t be disappointed. Personally, I am just going to have to make sure that I don’t move to any nearby states where politics are clearly ridiculous. Oh wait, I live in one already.

Scott Brown nude 300x225 At some point in time politicians were honest, right?

And in answer to the question you are all now thinking: did this picture make me more gay because I now think that men have forearm penises. Yes.

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OMG! Who’s gonna save PROM?!?!?!

Dear Ask a Gay,

Do you think Constance should be able to go to prom with her girlfriend? What if it’s so offensive to see two girls dancing together to Stairway to Heaven that some students burst into flames?

Well no one has asked but I could tell that the question was hanging the air and I figured I should talk about the elephant in the prom court. For those of you who don’t know what this is all about, read this. After you read that, go ahead and click here to support her.

Yes, Constance McMillen wanted to go to the prom with her girlfriend and wear a tuxedo. Not only that but she wanted to do it at a Mississippi school in the Bible Belt that is still reeling from the idea that they can’t require bible classes in a public school. Before diving into anything else on the topic of gays at the prom though, I feel like I have to mention that because of all of the hubbub this has caused, Constance got to be on the Ellen DeGeneres show which is so much cooler than the prom. I would like to be on the Ellen show. If I could retroactively trade in my stupid prom experience for that, I would in seconds. Ellen, please call me. In exchange I will give you my pair of long black gloves, a can of Aquanet, some pictures of me standing awkwardly in front of a white limo, and a prom wine glass inscribed with threatening words from Billy Joel, “These are the days to remember.” Good God. I hope not. Now back to prom.

I searched for a little prom history and was led to a site that I am disturbed exists called “Pretty for Prom”. They have a prom planning timeline. Apparently you need to start doing things three months in advance. It’s like early training for the bride you will someday become. Oh women. So many of the dreams we are supposed to have seem to treat men almost as an accessory and an afterthought. At least in this scenario Constance was smart enough to choose the role that would simply require her to rent a tux. Pretty for prom did lead me to an interesting tidbit on prom’s past. It seems that “the first reference to prom in popular history comes from the journal of an Amherst College student who described his invitation and attendance at an early prom at Smith College in 1894.” There you go! Constance should definitely be allowed to go to the prom with her girlfriend because the prom started “in the elite colleges of the Northeast” and we all know that those colleges are way okay with gay. So everyone who ever attends a prom today, no matter where they are or what they believe in, is ultimately doing something liberal and kind of gay anyway. Sorry to tell you.

So this little Mississippi school canceled the prom entirely. NO PROM?? Great job Constance. There are a whole bunch of students in Mississippi now wondering where the hell they are going to ditch their unwanted babies thanks to you. Because of you there is some student out there who will be able to go to graduation without a problem because she won’t have gotten drunk and vomited on one of the chaperone’s shoes. Off like a private, non-school sanctioned, dance in which the law can’t prevent us from discriminating against anyone we want dress? Doesn’t have the same ring to it does it? Plus, at the new discrimination dance that the school hopes someone will be hosting there will probably be some inter-racial couple that won’t be allowed to go either.

What would have happened if the school just let her attend the prom instead of canceling the dance? Some parents would keep their kids home. Some people would be fine with it and not care. Some people would say nasty things. Some people would say nice things. Some people would make signs and protest. Some would make signs and support her. A good life lesson would have been learned about how humans have the capacity to be both great and loving AND small, nasty and hateful. What is happening now because they canceled the dance? Pretty much the same thing except Constance now has a great college essay and has been on Ellen. Constance, you did a great job by standing up for yourself and sticking to your convictions. This is one more step on the way to a future in which people will hopefully be more accepting of diversity. Now finish up that Smith application.

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Greater than or equal to bisexual

Sorry to drop a serious question on you, but it does say “ask a Gay” and I need to ask someone who is homosexual-

I am 16 and i have a gf currently and we do have sex often, and i am atracted to her and other girls, but every now and then with only certain guys i find myself not sexually attracted but “romantically” attracted. I sit and listen to my friend talk while i dream away about cuddling with him, yet its only with two of my close friends. Now i remember when i was younger i experimented with another boy he was like a year older then me i don’t really remember much but it was nothing, and shortly after i found myself attracted to girls. Now here’s the thing i’m not sexually attracted to them but romantically, yet i am sexually attracted to women, but not so much romantically. Does this mean i am gay, or bi or what?

First of all a quick PSA. If you are 16 and sexually active with your girlfriend while questioning your sexuality, definitely use all of the birth control you can get your hands on. No one likes an ironic pregnancy. While we’re at it, watch this. It’s both funny and informative. I hate to sound like your mother, but well, I’m old enough to be your mother (but if I was, we both would remember my high school graduation) (and I couldn’t have afforded fun cereal while you were growing up) (but I probably would have blown your college savings to buy it anyway). OKAY! PSA is all done.

Now, are you gay, bi or what? Good question. It sounds like you might fall into a great category that a friend of mine coined the other day, “at least bisexual”. You may very well be greater than or equal to bisexual. Since you are sixteen though, I am going to guess that you won’t know the exact answer to that for a while and shouldn’t push yourself to pick a label. Choose a liberal college—think Hampshire, Amherst, Berkshire, NYU—and while you’re there keep an open mind. If you aren’t thinking about college, maybe do an internship in a gay friendly city. Basically, put yourself a very open minded atmosphere and try stuff out (safely—lots of latex, no drugs). If you have some sexual experiences with guys then you might be gay, but you might not be. Try a little of both if it feels right. Hell, go have a threesome! Maybe not in high school though. Again, I will sound old and boring, but depending on where you live and how open-minded folks are, you need to be smart and careful. One terrible experience while you are figuring your life out and suddenly you’ll be in the middle of a Lifetime after-school special and who needs the drama?

Which brings me to this: Those two friends that you want to cuddle with might not take that information well. They might. They might be gay themselves and totally cool with being gay. But on average, there are so many factors happening in high school, that even great friends aren’t always predictable. Your girlfriend may also have a hard time with this information. Also, if you start checking out some gay porn, “just to see”, this may lead to a very awkward conversation with your parents that you might not be ready to have. If your parents are super cool, then that’s awesome. Who knows, maybe they are the kind of parents that ask you to recommend a good pot dealer (don’t do drugs). I am going play it safe though, and guess that they aren’t, so don’t get yourself in a stupid situation. Watch some indie films, read some Savage Love by Dan Savage. I think that out of this you’ll get a good sense that most people have no idea what the heck they should label themselves. Also I think you’ll learn this: Although the media sometimes portrays homosexuals as on the sexual fringe we aren’t even close. To make it to the fringe you usually need a lot more creativity and equipment.

SO! Ultimately, the romantic attraction will be really important. You want to find something that gives you both. Sexual attraction can be the easier part. If you rub two things together you can get a positive result. Romantic attraction can be a little more complicated. Sometimes your head and your junk just won’t be in agreement even if you decide you are totally one way or another. Hence the phrases, “I like you, but I don’t LIKE like you.”, “It’s not you it’s me”, and the ever popular, “YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME!” Finally, here is my cover my ass statement. I’m gay and have been down this road, so I’m just speaking from experience. Most of the time I’m just some comedian talking out of my ass. So, if shit gets really confusing check out your local resources. Here’s one site. And of course there are more. You sound like you are just in the “Huh, what’s that all about?” phase. That’s pretty normal. Also, if your parents aren’t the type to root around your things, keep a journal. You won’t regret that. From my experience though, I was much happier to have had “the talk” with my parents after I was more grounded in who I was, so if they are the type of parents that you tend to find elbow deep in your underwear drawer looking for drug paraphernalia, then keep that in mind.

Good luck!

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Beware Large Homophobes, They Will Crush You

Over the summer, I had one of those “kind of” relationships with someone of the same sex, who I thought was gay. We didn’t really go much past kissing, but we had an emotional connection and it seemed like we might have gone somewhere else… if you know what I mean. All of a sudden though, he got a girlfriend and sooner or later he broke it to me that we should “stop lying to ourselves” even though we had both proclaimed love for one another, and he stated “I’ve had three girlfriends for over eight months, and not one of them had I said I love. So far you have been the first and only.” I know his parents are large homophobes and I was wondering if he merely obtained her as a “cover-up” seeing how their whole relationship is mostly via text. I’ve even lied for him a couple times in order for him to leave with me to get away from her when she just shows up places. Recently, he also composed the idea of spending the rest of his life with me in Paris… what? Isn’t the whole “There’s no one I’d rather spend the rest of my life with than you” chat for someone you love and well… plan to spend the rest of your life with? My biggest fear is that he ended us because when he did start going out with that girl, he still wanted to kiss me and such, but I felt so embarrassed I said “Maybe it wasn’t you I was in love with, but the thought of being in love” and that may have given him the impression I’m not gay, because we both often evaded the subject. Still, if he felt that way, wouldn’t he have not dated her in the first place? Or did he just pick her out of the bunch for a cover-up since his parents were suspicious of me? I’ve also heard from one of his longer relationships in the past that she offered many forms of sexual pleasure, but he denied it because he thought it was “gross”. Please, I don’t know much about this whole dating business because he was my first and only love, so if you can give me some advice, that would be great! Is this boy merely trying to hide because he’s scared of his parents and thinks I don’t REALLY love him that way, or was I really just a month long fling that he all of a sudden wishes to spend the rest of his life with, even though he has a girlfriend currently? Should I tell him that I realized I really do love him? I still want to be friends, but I’d really like to be something more again, and of course, as most thoughts do, it consumes my life. Thank you in advance and sorry for rambling!

Oh dear. Well, the long and short of this is forget this guy and move on. I will say more on this, but there it is. Actually, forget anyone who dates you for a month, starts dating someone else, and then talks about being game to run away to another country to have a secret life with you devoid of all contact with those troublesome people who might judge your forbidden love. Bad sign.

To get into this a bit more let’s start with him being your first and only love. Here’s some good news: there will be other loves and greater loves. Loves that go way past kissing and leave you a wreck. Some will totally be 100% gay. Some will be more in love with you than you are with them. There are people who marry their first and only love, but they sure as hell have less stories than the rest of us; and they don’t understand romantic comedies. Now let’s talk about you apart from this guy and his cover-girl. Are you comfortable with being gay? Why are you evading the subject? Perhaps it would be a good idea to use this relationship as an exploratory mission that might inspire you to start hanging out at some gay clubs and meeting people who are out and comfortable with being out. Then you can become more grounded in who you are. That is never a bad thing especially if you discover yourself in a relationship with someone who is questioning. So basically, have some more loves and see how those go. Hell, go to Paris without this dude. Have some French flings. Why the hell not! Own it!

Next up. Straight folks who have homosexual encounters. Yes, I am sticking with the phrase homosexual encounters. Like galiens coming down to whisk you out of your pick-up truck, engage in some probing explorations, and then leave you in the midst of unexplained crop circles with “questions”. I am a big fan of the sliding scale of sexuality and everyone who knows me, knows I love the chase of the undecided girl. Beware of this though, it can really mess you up. Mostly because once you do all the work and figure out who you are and you have told all of the people who are important to tell, and you are living up your awesome gay life, it can present problems in getting together with someone who hasn’t done all of that work. It is something like being sent back to the beginning in Candyland. Sure it’s a fun game but wouldn’t it be much more fun to get to the end already and just go have sex? All right, perhaps it’s only a little bit like Candyland. No matter what it can be an emotional choice to make, so if you are going to go that route you definitely need to be grounded in who you are.

Finally, regarding the huge homophobes and this guy. I will start off by saying this about huge homophobe parents. They can surprise you. Really. Watch “For The Bible Tells Me So”. It’s a good flick and shows that people do surprise you in good ways sometimes. As for the guy, his girlfriends, and his suggestion that you run away to Paris he sounds like he needs to get his life in order. (Sidenote to the girl who is dating him: if he runs away every time you show up up at a party unannounced, dump him.) It sounds like even if you told him that you were in love with him that you two probably wouldn’t live happily ever after so I wouldn’t obsess about that. If you need to tell him though, to get it out of your head, then just try to not make it overly dramatic. You will be thankful later on for your cool reserved behavior. That being said, let me take a moment to apologize to everyone I have ever dated for not having cool and reserved behavior. Hopefully this was a fun little fling for you. Now go write some tragic journal entries and then go out and meet some new boys. Oh, and be safe. But that’s enough PSA out of me.

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God made me gay…by being gay.

I often hear anti-gay commentators and politicians refer to the “Gay Lifestyle” or “Alternate Lifestyle”. Also there is often a strong implication that people who “choose” this “lifestyle” try to indoctrinate others. This is often given as a reason why gays can’t be teachers. Shouldn’t there be a strong effort to convince people that homosexuals don’t “choose” this and it’s not just a “style”? Does it annoy you when you hear homosexuality referred to in this way?

Well, the title of this entry is going to piss people off. Don’t worry though, it’s just an example of Alt Comedy. And while I write this I will listen to some Alt Music. Let me put on “The Killers”. Then instead of taking aspirin, I am going to call my acupuncture specialist. Okay now. I am officially living an Alternative Lifestyle. Because of the comedy, the music choices, the whacky Asian medicinal techniques, and of course also the gay sex.

It is interesting that there is a gay lifestyle but there isn’t really a straight lifestyle. Also, if being gay is one alternative then in a way being straight is another, so now we are all living lifestyle alternatives. It is annoying to hear homosexuality referred to as a “style”. It is also annoying to me that homosexuals have to come out to people. Maybe being a homosexual begins to seem like something of a lifestyle choice because it involves so much announcing. It becomes such a big topic of conversation that I could almost start a blog about it. Hmmm….

Of course being gay is not a choice. Go to some reputable medical journals and read about it. It isn’t a choice. It also doesn’t have any affect on your adopted kids, your non-adopted kids, teachers won’t turn students gay, and most molesters are straight white men. The studies have been done. Articles have been written. The facts are out there and I could go door to door like a Mormon about it. Sometimes I wonder if that wouldn’t be an interesting project. I think that it’s an easier story to swallow. No magic stones, no great white God of ancient America. Just academic studies with facts and graphs. And that is the problem.

Americans don’t trust science. Okay, some Americans trust science, but a lot don’t. Academic studies? People don’t like them. This is a country that believes in Intelligent design, that global warming is made up, that lunchables are food… It’s hard to sell science. Especially science that says things like, “gay people are just born that way” or “gay people don’t really cause any developmental issues by interacting with kids”. When “science” says stuff like, “scientists turn fruitflies gay and then straight again!” (thank you Fox “news”) that is when people are all ears. Why? Because that is when science sounds like magic and people like magic. I would do better going door to door with a magical elixir that can turn you straight in 7-10 days, than I would striking the pavement with the JAMA. Sounds jaded, but sadly, I think it’s true. Also, if I tried to tell everyone that being gay was scientifically proven to be biological and okay, then people would just think I was trying to indoctrinate people and get them to buy into the gay lifestyle. It’s still important to get the scientific info out there, but it will be a slow process getting people to believe it. The Catholic Church forgave Galileo in 1992. Change is slow.

Here is what I will offer up. I’m gay. Churches of the world please pray for me! Pray me straight. Why not? What do I care if it works? If you pray me straight then for me I’ll just wake up tomorrow with different dating choices…and a new topic for a blog.

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I kissed a boy, won’t change the world…

Hey,

I’m 17 years old, and have refereed to myself as bi-sexual since I was about 13. Recently though, I kind of felt that being gay fit better. I don’t call myself lesbian for the same reason I don’t call myself bi – I don’t like the connotations. I prefer “gay woman”.


However, despite the fact that I’m literally afraid of penis, and I’m more attracted to women than men, I am occasionally attracted to boys. I usually see myself dating/being in love with girls, whereas I just hook up with boys when I’m bored. Sorry this is kind of long and rambling, I just want to know, can I still call myself gay, or is that like, offensive? It makes me feel more comfortable, but I don’t want to politically incorrect or something, lol.
Thanks.

First, let me say congratulations on knowing anything at thirteen. I remember thirteen as being a bleak and confusing time during which I pretended to enjoy boy bands. This ended up being a blow to both my dating life and my music collection.

As for whether it is offensive to call yourself gay even though you hook up with boys when you are bored, I am going to go with a no. I still hook up with boys when I’m bored—I guess I should say, men to confirm that I am not some cradle robbing cougar. What can I say, it can be fun. I also like to tell them after we kiss that I am now totally straight again. I figure why not give them the win? In the end though, I have my epic love affairs with women (they are epic, trust me). There are folks out there who have never strayed from straight and others who have never wavered in their gayness. I think that is great. I have a friend who is so straight that although she is very attractive her straightness acts almost as a repellent. Thinking about kissing her seems like kissing a brother. Yuck. For the rest of us, sexuality has a continuum. You sound pretty comfortable as a gay woman so I would say call yourself whatever makes you feel comfortable. It is definitely not offensive that you call yourself gay even if you say it while making out with a dude.

That said, there are some people who will be offended that you call yourself gay. Some people will also wonder “what your deal is” when you hook up with guys. Some guys that you hook up with also might end up thinking that you are “not really gay” or that for some reason sleeping with women is something that you do as a turn-on for them. People will find a bunch of different ways to judge your actions and the language you use and all of that. I have found that as long as I know what my deal is that it doesn’t really matter. I also call myself gay, but I don’t mind being called a lesbian. I try to figure out where people are coming from and if they are working on being understanding and accepting then I’ll give them a pass on some possibly “off” questions. I also am understanding of people who are really adamant about terminology. I am just not as caught up in it.

As a final note, you mentioned that you are “literally scared of the penis”. I am going to say a few things on this. First, here are a few good reasons to be scared of penises. They can get you pregnant which sucks when you are seventeen. Actually, getting pregnant sucks until that point in which you want to get pregnant and can afford the 18-21 (35?) years of financial commitment that goes with the result. Penises also can give you some rather unpleasant STDs, some which can kill you and some which just never go away. Vaginas can too so I guess that is just a general warning against other people’s junk. Valtrex might want you to believe that it’s all kayaking and walks on the beach but it just has so much more to do with oozing than that. Penises can also be attached to people who want to stick them places for all of the wrong reasons and once they get going, they can be real assholes about it. Also, since you consider yourself to be gay, you might not want to get overly involved with a penis because it can really suck to end up with an ironic pregnancy. (“Wait. WHO did you say was pregnant?” “Yup, that gay girl.” “Huh, isn’t it ironic?”) That said I don’t really think they are something to be scared of. They can be attached to some great people, they can get to some hard to reach places, and they do have an endearing eagerness to them. If you start to think about it, there is something sort of ridiculous about everyone’s junk. Watch a naked man jump up and down. It really stops being scary and starts to just be funny. I only mention this because if you fall for someone then you will most likely fall for every ridiculous part of them, so it sounds like you just haven’t ever fallen for a boy. That is definitely fine, but ultimately it’s not penises that are scary it’s brains and the many complicated ways that people find to mess with one another’s hearts. Thus we have the entire works of Journey.

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Charlie of the LGBTA…

What is the “Q” in LGBTQ?

Good question! It means questioning. By writing you are now Q. Welcome to the club. Personally, I often accidentally say LGBTA because I live in Boston and I ride on the MBTA. There is no Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual Transit Authority though—did he ever bareback, no he never barebacked and his fate is still unlearned.

I originally thought that the “Q” meant “queer” as some folks use that word as opposed to the L, G, B, or T and it can mean that. Actually, the T can also mean transexual, transgender, or two-spirited. So this leads to another question. Is the queer community slowly but surely taking over the alphabet? Yes. Soon the whole alphabet will be queer. And once we own language then we will call things whatever we want. Is it marriage? Well let’s just check. Are all of the letters in the word marriage gay? Yes, they are so I suppose that it is a gay marriage. We are a tricky bunch. While I was writing this I also made the letter “Z” gay. Sorry straight folks, you are going to either going to have to accept the new lexicon or go learn the cyrillic alphabet. I would offer you the greek alphabet but that has been gay for centuries. Greeks have an entire island of lesbians. Much to their chagrin.

Language is difficult to keep track of. As soon as I left my teens, I ceased to be able to use any new slang without immediately making it a little less cool. I try to not let that stop me, peeps. To suck even more cool from that word, I just pulled it from the HowStuffWorks site under, “Slang terms by decade”. Anyway, now you can define yourself as questioning, whereas back in the day, you weren’t questioning, you were on anti-depressants and hopelessly in the closet. Then bisexual. Then gay. Questioning sounds much more laid back.

UPDATE!

I learn more every day. So now it’s apparently, LGBTAAAQQ. Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Allies, Andro, Asexual, Queer, and Questioning. Seriously alphabet. We’re coming for you.

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Hey Maine. C’mon.

So what is this same-sex marriage all about anyway? Why do the gays want to get married? Will same-sex marriage ruin straight marriage for everyone else?

Tomorrow Maine will vote on Question 1. Voters will decide whether to overturn the law which approves same-sex marriage. So here we stand. We the people who fail to learn anything from history. Hey, there is always another group of people to discriminate against, right?

Marriage. I have often said that I don’t believe anyone should be able to get married. I think that the state should only be able to hand out civil unions to folks and then you can go to whatever mosque, temple, church, beach, VFW, parish, meeting house, satanic den, that you want to and battle it out there. I really want to oust God from the law books. God is just dangerous when he gets involved in the law. It is such a short skip from mixing church and state to Quakers hanging on Boston Common or say, Protestant heads on stakes. I prefer to draw a thick line betwixt the two. Currently though, marriage is still the language we use and these days since you can’t seem to become president unless you talk about how much you love going to church, we are going to battle this thing out in a long and drawn out emotional and frustrating way. That is the way we do social change. Abolition, suffrage, desegregation, gay marriage…unfortunately the pathway to equality does always seem to be paved with some of the ugliest words and acts. So here we go again.

I personally, do want to get married at some point. Mostly what I want is to get married and have people shut up, smile and say congratulations. Can I put that on invitations? You might think that I am going to hell, and you might think that I am tearing apart the god loving fabric of American society, but mostly what I am doing is wishing that you would hush and worry about your own life. Maybe I think you are going to hell too. If you read the bible just right, you can find a passage in there that pretty much condemns everyone. Maybe I think you are tearing the fabric of American society apart by worrying about the wrong problems. At least I have the sense and decorum to smile thinly at you and wait until I am at home to talk about you. So you go to church and drink the blood of Christ and I go to brunch and drink Bloody Marys. So what. Let’s just all calm down and save our “I told you sos” for the afterlife. There will be the time. For now I think it is important to focus on our commonalities.It’s so much more civil.

I also think that it is important to remember that this affects more than just the gay folks. For example, if you are friends with me and we get rid of gay marriage then there is a good possibility that I will just keep going to your weddings and drinking from your open bars and I will never offer you my own open bar wedding for you to abuse. It also affects our entire society because when we accept discrimination against one group we open up the door to discrimination against others. Battles are won when we as a whole decide to abhor oppression of anyone. Although, one of my wishes is for each republican to have a gay child, it also helps to remember that as long as you are not sure who will be in power next it is always useful to be kind to everyone. It really does help to avoid not having things come around to bite you in the ass later.

So tomorrow, come on Maine. Do the right thing. I mean we northerners have always been good at understanding that what you do to keep yourself warm through the winter months is your own business, right?

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There’s an app for that.

What is a tea dance?

Okay, I admit it, I asked this question. A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go with him to a bear themed tea dance at a local bar at which point I asked what that was. Not the bear part, I know about that. They have their own flag and a delightful term for long-term partners, “husbear”. However, tea dance was new to me. I was faced with a pitying shake of the head and I was told that I had never been on a proper gaycation.

A tea dance, in simplest terms, is a party that starts in the early afternoon. Minus clotted cream, plus men in drag. It’s origins trace back to the French colonization of Morocco, thé dansant, and clearly if I had ever spent any reputable amount of time in P-town, then I would know of these events. I, however, have not. Which is a shame as I believe P-town is where the Boston lesbians are. There and perhaps Jamaica Plain, but I live in Cambridge, and so with the convenience of the high-speed ferry it is faster to get to P-Town.

It is unfortunately soon to be November though, so it looks like it will be a while before I have my proper gaycation. In the meantime, I would like to take a brief pause and answer a question that I believe is haunting this post. Are gay men more fun than lesbians? No. However, gay men as a whole, are more keen on casual naked time than lesbians as a whole. I am stating that broadly as I am sure that I can find a whole bunch of loose ladies and strictly monogamous men. I know it. Gay men with fleece clad babies strapped on in baby bjorns and lesbians with strap-ons with leather clad babes. Celebrate diversity. I am talking more in the realm of noticed trends. It is possible that the interest in casual naked time tends to lead to finding as many excuses to have a dance party as humanly possible. Lesbians may also enjoy dance parties and casual naked time, but it is not as much an inherent drive and so sometimes gay men look more fun than lesbians.

This might seem like I am diverging from my don’t get hung up on stereotypes argument, but that’s not true. I still think people are much deeper than the stereotypes that cling to their social groups. On the other hand it would be remiss of me to ignore such things dreamed up by gay men as Grindr. This is an iPhone application that allows you to find out how many feet away the nearest gay man is who might be available for naked time. “A mile-and-a-half? What kind of long distance drama do you think I want to get involved in? 546 feet? Much better.”Once you pick the closest fella, you can do things like chat with him, ask him to join you for a drink, send him a picture of your penis… Things like that. So gay men do seem to have a large percentage of their population looking at things and saying, “how can this be used for casual sex?” and casual sex may have many different connotations in society, but it does lead to meeting new people! “Here’s a picture of my penis want to join me at the tea dance later on?” Lesbians on the other hand have no idea how many feet away a brief bout of canoodling may be as the iphone app, VaJJ has yet to be created. This therefore keeps me from being able to say to that special and proximal person, “Hello, here’s my vagina,” which of course means that although I now know what a tea dance is, I have no one to bring to it.

share save 120 16 Theres an app for that.
 

Do you need a baby-daddy?

When you want a baby, which one of us will you choose? You do want kids right?

Ah, the biological time bomb that is lying wait in every woman’s womb. Causing the desperate need for a baby. To make a baby, hold babies, coo at babies, envy the babies strapped to the front of others, to line your kitchen drawers with babies… Do gays have that too? Well, I have entered my thirties and apparently I keep my uterus tucked in my wallet so that if I ever think of stashing a baby in it I will first see my bank statement and then I will think better of the whole affair.

I do get asked by some of my male friends every once in a while, which one of them I would choose as a father of my assumed eventual gayby. I like the idea of being asked and I don’t really like to give a solid answer. In a way I think it is nice to keep them feeling as though there is some subtle competition going on at all times. The truth is that I have a hard time factoring a dog into my life, let alone a baby. I am not sure if it is all wrapped up in gayness or a deeper selfishness that has nothing to do with who I sleep with.

I have made many jokes at the expense of babies over the years. If you are going to make a commercial rap to advertise baby safe haven then what else do you want me to do? People often assume that I hate babies and that it might have something to do with my gayness having broken my mothering instinct. I suppose I don’t help the matter by sneering at babies in coffee shops. I assure you though, I am not sneering at the babies, I am sneering at the parents. Especially if a parent has brought in a broken baby. You walk into a coffee shop with something that’s crying then you really need to turn around and shake that sucker until it quiets down, then come in and get your latte. See? It’s stuff like that and then all of a sudden people think that I’m a lesbian with broken nurturing abilities.

I argue that straight folk and gay folks are just the same when it comes to babies. Some want them, some don’t. The only difference is that some straight people end up with them out of boredom or habit. “Well, we have a house in the suburbs and other people seem to be doing this so I suppose we should stop using birth control.” The downside of that is that I think more straight people end up with babies because they were just strolling along this well beaten straight path and then boom, all of a sudden they realize that all of their hopes and dreams have been replaced by the needs of another. Gay folks have to jump over so many hurdles to get a baby, that by the time it ends up happening they have had more time for consideration of what that will mean.

If I was together with someone who was really awesome and we had gotten ourselves a nice Massachusetts marriage and both were pretty sure of what we wanted to be when we grew up. If we had this mythical thing that I have heard tale of, “savings”, then I might be talking babies all over the place. For now though, I am way too practical. On the other hand, I know some women, gay or straight— come hell or high water—they are making a human. Good for them. I know some straight folks who talk overpopulation. Good for them too. I don’t want to go alone into parenting. I know that if I raise a kid I am bound to screw up that kid at least a little, so if there is going to be one, then the poor thing should have as much on it’s side as it can. So who knows how gay factors in on this. I have a huge village instinct though. Stranger’s babies are kind of irritating. I don’t have much money, what if the strange baby comes in and tries to take too many of the village’s resources. My friend’s babies on the other hand, are pretty much more awesome than everyone else’s. I would take them in if awful things went down and when they are older I will offer them the same thing that I now offer their parents. One bailout from jail as long as there is a good story. If that’s not nurturing then I don’t know what is.

share save 120 16 Do you need a baby daddy?