Ask a Gay!

Hey, life is confusing, but we can all get along—through humor, ridiculous projects, and understanding. Feel free to send questions from here or email I’ll answer them!

Ew!!! Lesbians! Shriek, shriek, shriek.

Do gay men really dislike lesbians?

I keep hearing that this is true. Actually, last night I was informed that gay men don’t like lesbians because they have no style. I was hurt. I had product in my hair. What more do you want?

To determine the validity of the statement I decided to search beyond the internet. I went and spent a week sleeping in the same bed as a gay man. Just think of me as Jane Goodall but with bears. At no point did he seem to startle at the sight of me. There was no fear response nor was there an anger response. At first he didn’t even seem to notice me. Then I gained his trust, and eventually, I even coaxed him to have a drink with me. At the end of the week I concluded that gay men don’t really dislike lesbians.

Actually, the friend I was staying with (on the cheap in a small space, thus the shared bed) has been a good friend of mine for years. He probably knows more lesbians than I do. And gets along with them fine. I seem to have a bunch of straight male friends. What does that make me? I looked on-line to see if there was a term and all I could find was “lezbro”, which is a straight man with a bunch of lesbian friends. That’s not quite right. I actually wish that it was, as they might be able to introduce me to someone that I could date. I also found a lot of terms for straight women with a bunch of gay male friends ranging from the old standard, “fag-hag”, to “fruit fly”, which according to the Urban Dictionary has many shades of meaning. One narrowed a fruit fly down to being between the ages of 13 and 27. At 28, you are apparently a hag. In searching that term I also came up with a report by Fox “News”, “Scientists make fruit flies gay then straight again.” So there you have it, if you are worried about your kids becoming gay do not let them hang around with scientists, but if they are gay, then go get a scientist. Quickly! It goes on to say that drugs and genetic manipulation in fruit flies can turn homosexuality on and off in a matter of hours. Good and bad news I suppose considering the life span of a fruit fly. Anyway, I suppose the fact that I didn’t find a bunch of terms for lesbians and gays that are great friends it is either less common or it is less interesting to talk about. Boring: That gay man and that lesbian share common interests and enjoy hanging out. Interesting: That straight woman used to date Drew who now dates John but she is still in love with Drew.  Conflict sells.

More findings from my Bears in the Mist studies? I had the pleasure a few years back to go to a Mr. Bear New England competition. I was the only female there. Usually if I am the only female somewhere I take it as a danger sign. Or at least a time to become wary. In this case everyone was delightful. Even more so once they find out that I am a lesbian. One man suggested that lesbians should have a Mrs. Bear New England showing off hairy women. I am not into it, but he was very enthusiastic and clearly trying to find our commonalities. I shave, but I get where he was going with it.

So maybe I am investigating the wrong kind of gay man. Maybe bears like lesbians but all other gay men hate them. Seemingly not so though. I met a delightful gay man who works at a local television station and even in his tiny jackets and very stylish jeans, he still failed to hate me even after I revealed that I liked the ladies.

So do all gay men hate lesbians? No. Most don’t. Do SOME gay men hate lesbians? Yes. Some gay men hate everyone. Some gay men hate themselves. Some just say they hate lesbians because they are in a club and cattiness is just another way to accessorize and outfit.

share save 120 16 Ew!!! Lesbians! Shriek, shriek, shriek.

I would like access to your pants for reciprocal fun.

Do lesbians say that they want to get into each other’s pants and do one-night-stands work the same way as with straight people or is it different because lesbian sex is more about give and take rather than using each other’s junk to get off?

Okay, I paraphrased this question and my apologies to the questioner if I got it wrong. Please feel free to comment if I’ve missed the central point and I will hit that again if you will. This leads me to another question that I have. Can lesbians say, “I want to hit that?” or am I missing the meaning. Not that I would ever say that as anything but a joke, but I am lost as to whether I am saying, “I would like to take my penis and hit your vagina with it” or if I’m saying, “I would like to hit a few bars and then hit ‘that’ whereby I mean I would like to both visit bars and your vagina.” I am not sure. Any clarification is welcome.

The first part of the question as to whether lesbians say, “I want to get into your pants” led me to wonder about this phrase in general. I know that women, thanks to the sexual revolution, no longer need to sit with ankles crossed and virginity guarded continually deflecting any advances upon the sacred vajayjay until marriage at which point they are to give up all rights, wants, and needs. Oh the 1950′s. What were people thinking? Yes, now women can walk up to men and say, “I want to get into your pants”. Men also can now say things like, “I’m not sure I’m ready”, and “do you love me? or do you LOVE, love me?”  I still do think that the phrase originates from the former time. A time when men represented an army and pants were territory which the army of men were trying to conquer and gain access to. It was less of a sexual come-on and more of a declaration. I want to get into your pants! I have brought a battering ram and will hit it against the door of your pants until I knock said door down! Then I will reign victorious, plant a flag, and go seek other pants!

The phrase now has changed connotation but I still think that in a way there is an idea of men conquering pants. When women use it, they also want to conquer pants, but I just think, conquering men’s pants? Where is the challenge? Let me in. Okay. Done. So where do lesbians join this mix? There are a variety of answers. To get at the main point though, if I say, “I want into your pants”, I don’t mean that I want access to your junk so that I can use it to meet the needs of my junk and then I will leave it behind like yesterday’s socks. I mean, I would like access to your pants for some reciprocal fun. So, in this way,  lesbians make a temporary peace treaty with pants. Beyond that, there is a sort of posturing that might be going on. Sometimes it’s fun to  make it seem like there is not a chance in hell that access to your pants will be granted and then finally wave the white dental dam of capitulation. Ah, dental dams, always makes me chuckle.

Which leads me to one night stands. I am a serial monogamist myself and one of the reasons is that I really hate one night stands. My hatred is not based on the sex at all. To a certain extent I think one night stands are the same for everyone. A way of saying, “My usual date is out of batteries so I suppose tonight, you’ll do. Please talk as little as possible.” It is the latter half of the statement that ruins it for me. If I meet you and I really want to get to know you, then I don’t want to jump right into bed with you. I want to try and find out more, build a friendship, get you some flowers, enjoy some awkwardness, and then jump into bed with you. If I don’t really want to get to know you then I definitely don’t want to ever have to talk to you while you are naked. This would then make me someone who might sleep with you and then sneak out after you have fallen asleep. Let’s be honest, I don’t even want to wait until you fall asleep. I know that other people feel differently. They look at someone and just say, “I want to hit that.” They then proceed to the hitting part and then after that, there is an opportunity to make some small talk. If it goes well then perhaps a beautiful two-night stand or at least an acceptable booty call relationship will be formed. I think that you are either interested in that or you aren’t. Straight or gay, you can go out and use each others’ bodies as temporary sex toys and you can use alcohol to make each other interesting enough to make it through the experience. My only caveat is this: you can wash your sex toys so that each experience is like the first time, people on the other hand, no matter how hard you scrub you just can’t be sure that they are sterile.

One more thought came up while I was writing this. I was watching the news and I saw a lovely lesbian talking to Barney Frank. As often happens, I was not focused on what was happening at first. I used only visual cues and so I concluded that this cute lesbian must be talking to Barney Frank about gay marriage or something that I believe in. How nice. Dartmouth? I wonder if she is a graduate student there. Then I paused and was puzzled as to why she was so angry because she and Barney Frank would clearly agree about gay marriage. Then I wondered why she had just said Nazi. So, I watched it again and I realized that she was crazytrain. How sad, right? Then I realized, oh my God! What if I picked her up and thought I am going to conquer your pants. Then there I am, having the post pants conquering small talk and she says, “Well, I live in Dartmouth, I like dogs but I’m allergic to cats, and I’m a Lyndon LaRouche supporter and Obama is like Hitler.” Whoa!!! I mean why not just say that and then pull out your Valtrex prescription? No thank you folks. I’m just not into it. I support healthcare reform and I don’t care how good Valtrex makes you at kayaking, I am only looking for pants that get to know each other a little first.

share save 120 16 I would like access to your pants for reciprocal fun.

That’s What Sie Said.

As promised in an earlier post…

Now it’s time for Fun with Gender Neutral Pronouns!!

I am really tolerant, trust me, and yet for some reason I have a hard time incorporating gender neutral pronouns into my language. I seldom take the politically correct high road and ask the question of a new group of people, “which gender pronouns would you all like to use?” (Although that would be a GREAT ice breaker at parties.) I do however, believe that language is important and how a society refers to different groups and individuals often reflects the value that groups are given within that society. Women used to be referred to using diminutive terms and that reflected how women were viewed. Of course arguments can be made that even after language changes we still have a long way to go. So while I continue to piss off the gender free linguists of the world, let’s talk pronouns.

My first round of searches made me think I should go a little lighter on myself regarding my PC nature. One page started with the question of why people are resistant to gender-neutral pronouns and then the next sentence was, “rather than try to give a single compact answer here, i decided to write a long multifaceted thing resembling a Usenet thread.” It was indeed long and I gave in. There weren’t even any graphics. I was simultaneously being asked to move into the future by changing my language and read something that seemed like I pulled it off of ARPANET. I got as far as reading about how even capitalizing “I” was a bit offensive and I fled.

So the first thing I learned was that if you want me to start using your neologisms then you need to make some pop songs, sitcoms, fancy web sites, and youtube videos. This is where I learn new language from. Hello, “bling”? So get on that.

I then stumbled upon something called “Spivak” pronouns. Immediately after that I went to IMDB because I thought that Spivak might have been Sean Penn’s name in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”. It was Spicoli. I think that Spivak might make a good insult. “Way to go Spivak.” Until that catches on, Spivak pronouns will make you sound Cockney. “E was selling matches in London, when ey decided to take eir in and teach eir proper English. Ey enjoyed eirselves quite a bit.” Michael Spivak, a mathematician and author wrote about these forms. He wrote such books as, “The Joy of TeX” and “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Calculus”. These pronouns have caught on some in the virtual gaming world. Which reminds me that at some point in the future I would like to take on the question of how gay you are if you are straight in real life but gay in second life.

Another construct is to use “ze/sie” and “hir” to replace “he/she” and “him/her”. My first encounter with using these words happened while talking with someone who was gender queer (neither identifying as male or female). I went in with a great deal of hope that I would change my speech seamlessly and leave patting myself on the back for my free to be you and me spirit. Unfortunately, my tolerance tends decrease each time someone tells you they are a vegan and absolutely plummets when someone uses the word, “lover” seriously. So that encounter was ill-fated. I was inclined to learn more though which is good. This site does a good run-down of different gender identities some of which would call on your gender-neutral pronoun usage skillz. It also introduces something I didn’t know about, the “Two Spirit”, a Native American person who embodies both masculine and feminine genders. Would you have to take their picture twice to steal their soul or are they intertwined? So many questions, so many offensive questions. Which leads me to this.

Tolerance and understanding are key. It is really important to keep an open mind and as quoted by Henry James, “Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind, the second is to be kind, and the third is to be kind.” I believe it is also a good idea to try and start difficult conversations by finding out what we have in common and then go from there instead of the all at once method. If I wanted to tell my mother that was dating an alien, I might start off by talking to her about how much we both like stargazing. This would give her time to process my intergalactic relationship (I am not dating an alien). We need to give people time to process and accept that people do it at different rates and in different ways. Now I am off to go find a gender-neutral pal willing to share a bowl of bacon with me while we discuss my Two Spirit questions.

share save 120 16 Thats What Sie Said.

A Peg Above the Rest

Is being gay more about being a gender bender?  As someone who as always considered herself straight, because I am only attracted to men for long term relationships, I find myself attracted to gay men and seeing myself as a gay man.  The activities gay men partake of together is what I would like to experience with my male significant other.  Does being female and wanting to “stick it” to my boyfriend and feel like a gay male with him make me gay?  I love fashion, being a diva, and find myself more and more distanced from identifying as a female and more as a gay male.  I have also dated several bi-sexual men for this reason.

There is a lot to take on here. Whenever that’s true I think that it is always best to start with pegging. I believe that is what you are referring to when you say you want to “stick it” to your boyfriend. For those who think it is strange that I am trying to answer this question by talking about cribbage scoring, let me clarify. Pegging is when you use a strap-on to have anal sex with someone. I think that straight women should make a note of this and if your boyfriend ever asks you to have anal sex don’t hesitate to pull it out and say, “me first!” Okay, let’s get back to the question.

Being gay is not about being a gender bender any more than being straight is about being a gender bender. Both terms (gay and straight) are really just simplifications to help in categorization. You might ask someone if they want tea or coffee and they can answer one or the other but by the time you get to the kitchen you will realize that you really don’t have enough information to bring them something they will want and will probably have to go back and ask some more questions. So let’s start with technical terms. And I would like a black coffee, preferably dark roast.

As opposed to using the terms “gay” and “straight” which are essentially slang, let’s get all etymological. From the Greek and Latin, “Homosexual” means two people of the same sex having sex. Also Greek and Latin, “Heterosexual” is two people of the opposite sex having sex. These words are pretty much concerned with what’s in your pants and what is in the pants of the person you are getting naked with. Then we get into what’s in your brain. Gender identity is what you consider yourself and how you refer to yourself. This can be male, female, neither or both (I’ll talk gender neutral pronouns later in another fun-packed word origin post). Then there is gender role which is how you exhibit your gender in society and with others and is influenced by the societal and cultural norms that you have been raised with. So with all of these things coming into play we can get a great amount of variety and range. This is before we even begin to touch on what you like to do in bed which can open up a whole other realm of variation, for example furriesvf1 thumb A Peg Above the Rest
. Thank you internet.

So you have lady parts, you say that you are beginning to identify less as a female and more as a gay male now, you enjoy exhibiting the behaviors associated with being a gay man, and you feel most comfortable dating and sleeping with gay men or bisexual men. That is one way that sexuality, gender identity and gender role can come together. As to whether that makes you gay,  technically if you identify as a gay man and sleep with gay or bisexual men then tada! You’re gay! And welcome. However, if you identify as a female who is a diva fashionista and you dig bisexual men who are into you pegging them then that doesn’t necessarily make you gay. It just makes you awesome and interesting to talk to at parties. The most important thing is figuring yourself out and accepting and becoming happy with whatever you are. Unless you live in the south or mid-west, then the most important thing probably will be moving and the second most important thing will be self-acceptance.

share save 120 16 A Peg Above the Rest

So which one of you is the boy?

When gays date is one more like the guy and one more like the girl?

That is one of the first questions you decide on when you are gay dating. I mean I don’t know how we would ever get this homosexuality thing off the ground if we didn’t gender divide. How would we decide who wears the white wedding dress? Who wears the tux? Who offers the dowry? Who gets to handle the checkbook and the maps? Who gets to cook and get an allowance for food shopping? It would be craziness! I shudder to think!

I have often thought to myself that I would be much happier in life if I had thoughts more like “Forty hours a week working in a beige cubicle? AND sometimes there will be cake? Yay administrative job!” or “Of course I like men, why would you even ask? I mean if I didn’t like men would I have married my high school boyfriend?” or “The kids are in daycare and I have a white wine spritzer and this Danielle Steele novel. Ah heaven…which is also a place I believe in.” Alas. It hasn’t been that simple.

I do acknowledge that there are people out there for whom gender stereotypes fit like a glove. Either a totally tough and dirty work glove or an elbow length glove that would go great with a ball gown. There are also gay couples out there who can look at those gloves and definitely know who needs to own which. I seem to have a drawer full of all kinds of gloves. Sometimes I feel like I found out about Halloween when I was a kid and I decided it was a year ’round deal. When Halloween does come around I see so many men dressed as women that I would suggest more people to follow my lead. Seriously, the only disappointment is that you only get the bucket of candy but once a year. (A brief digression, the men are dressed as women, the women are dressed slutty, perhaps we are all lesbians? Discuss.)

I also like women who are similar in mindset. I dated a girl once who, despite her love of pink skirts was unnervingly strong. We were looking for an apartment once and she asked me to check the light fixture to see if we could put a ceiling fan in. She then lifted me up off the ground so that I could complete her request. I like the duality it makes things interesting.

I do have one caveat. I would encourage, more than gender dividing, style dividing, especially if you and your S.O. are the same size. I have run into the problem of swapping clothing so much that I can’t even tell which one of us is which. Suddenly you find yourself embarrassingly making out with you. So play to whatever strengths you have. Straight couples should do the same. My mom is better with directions. My dad has a great eye for color. So what. But definitely decide who owns which jeans or you might stop checking out the ass that resides in them having confused it for your own.

share save 120 16 So which one of you is the boy?

Can we talk? A very special episode.

Do gay people get tired of having to come out to people?

Yes. A long time ago I came out. First I told my journal that I suspected myself of being gay. Then I finally told it the truth. My journal had to take some time to get used to the idea. For a while every time I would write “gay”, my journal would translate it to read “bi-sexual”—seriously, you can go back and read the entries as proof. Eventually though, my journal learned to accept it. Then I told my parents and it was pretty much the same process. By the time I got to telling friends, I had one “very special moment” in which I actually started a conversation of with, “Can we talk? For a while I have been trying to figure out how to say this…” Somewhere in the middle of that conversation I started hating myself and I haven’t ever gone down that road again. I began to find more creative ways to work it into conversation. Also, for a while one of my friends found it amusing to introduce me to anyone new as, “his lesbian friend Jess.” At first I thought to myself, but I’m so much more than that. Then I just gave up and figured, that takes care of that.

The dilemma is this, you just can’t tell everyone. People close to you know but you are always in new situations, or there are distant relatives or acquaintances that aren’t in the know and so it just feels sometimes like it goes on forever. For example, it has now been years since I came out, and yet I still have to tell people more often than you would think. Especially considering the fact that I run a blog called Ask a Gay. Actually, the entire reason for me starting this blog, might be my way of hoping to never having to tell people again. This isn’t about shame folks, this is about the awkwardness of forcing someone into a revelation conversation. Straight people, try it. Find an acquaintance. Ask them out to lunch and at some point over the course of the meal say, “I just wanted to let you know. I’ve begun dating someone new. This might be surprising, but…” Then bring it on home by flooring them with the news that you are seeing someone of the opposite sex. Even stranger, try this in the work place with your work friends. Work friends are already a strange combination of small-talk and random assignment let alone having to say to them, “So this year at the office Christmas party I was going to bring the person I am dating and I just thought you should know…” This is why I refuse to do it. I have decided to just do what straight people do. Show up with my girlfriend and head for the bar. If Dan in accounting or those extended family members look surprised, well there you go. I heard that Dan still lives with his mother, and everyone knows that Aunt Mary and Uncle Fred haven’t slept in the same bedroom since the Reagan administration. What can you do?

It works. People have a small a-ha moment and then everyone moves on with their lives. Because you haven’t asked them to weigh in with advice or opinions, they don’t. You also get to experience something that always surprises me, some people won’t get it. You go to a wedding with your girlfriend, you dance together, you have a grand old time, and yet there will be some people, often the older folks, who just think, “well doesn’t she have a lovely friend.” Really, is that so bad? There is a theory that it is really important to make Grandma face the facts, but I guess I just don’t care. I’m already doing what I want to do by happily living my life with whoever I want to and if Aunt Edna wants to google me, then she will definitely find out about my alternative lifestyle. Beyond that I had my shocking season three sit-com outing years ago and I’m ready to move on. I also encourage you to spare someone the situation. Since we all know that being gay is completely fine and normal, then if you have a friend who has not told you in a long time that they are dating anyone new and they seem to hang around with one really good friend ALL the time. Try saying to this friend, “hey are you guys dating?” Then they can say, “Yes, my goodness, thought I mentioned that.” And if they freak out on you then that will be okay too, because then they can get into therapy sooner rather than later. That will take care of that!

share save 120 16 Can we talk? A very special episode.

That’s so homosexual.

Are you offended when people use the word “gay” in a negative sense?

It is pretty gay but then it is usually only gaywads that do it so sometimes I can let it slide. I actually like using the phrase, “that’s so gay,” when something seems particularly stereotypically homosexual. For example, if I saw two men having sex with each other (which is so stereotypically gay) I would definitely call them on it. I probably have also been guilty of using the phrase to put something or someone down, but look what happened. Now I’m gay. So let’s see what is out there on the interwebs.

Thanks to the urban dictionary we have this definition of the word gay:

1. jovial or happy; good-spirited
2. a homosexual male or female
3. often used to describe something stupid or unfortunate. originating from homophobia. quite preferable among many teenage males in order to buff up their “masculinity”

Sadly the first definition is only used by old people which is a shame because there are days when I feel pretty gay but when I try to express that to people we all just end up confused. So let’s focus on the third definition. I suppose the short answer is just, yes, it’s offensive. Even if it is only on a subconscious level, it perpetuates the idea that being gay is a negative or bad thing which is harmful to the community. That being said, I have always found that it showed such a lack of creativity that it ended up making the person using the phrase look like a bit of an idiot and therefore lost some of it’s fire.

Something equally troubling is that I did a search for the phrase “that’s so gay” and I found a video of someone saying that it doesn’t even make sense because “gay isn’t and adjective”. Another person, arguing in favor of using the phrase, likened it to other situations in which words have double meanings, “such as which and witch”. Perhaps the reason why people use insults as dull-witted as “that’s so gay” is due to lacking a basic grasp of the English language. They recognize a situation in which they dislike something and so they dive into the sentence wanting to find a scathing put-down but then they get as far as , “that’s so…” and realize the limits of their vocabulary. Then they just fizzle out with a “…gay”.

I actually found an entire PSA campaign trying to discourage use of the phrase. The tag line is “When you say that’s so gay, do you realize what you say? Knock it off.” I think that the knock it off punctuation is really what will stop people. That and the fact that Hillary Duff is one of the spokespeople for the campaign. Though she softens the blow by complimenting the girl’s jeans. I believe that perhaps a PSA with more punch would have been a bunch of old people using the phrase, “that’s mighty white of you” and then a tag line of, “When you say that’s so gay it makes you look like a racist senior citizen.” That’s just one suggestion though.

share save 120 16 Thats so homosexual.

We’re here! We’re queer! Assless chaps!

Why is it that so many people get naked at Pride? Does being gay make you want to get naked all the time?

So you go to gay pride because you support gay rights and equality. You think gay marriage should be legal in every state. Homosexuals can offer as strong and as loving a home for children as any straight couple. You are standing at the parade ready to cheer on civil rights for everyone! No more persecution! No double standards! It is time that we learn from our past and never restrict any human’s rights based on race, ethnicity, gender, religion, or sexual orientation ever again! You can not write discrimination into the constitution! And then…boom! A whole bunch of naked people! What to do? Let’s face it. It’s hard to talk about freedom when you have a bunch of boobs in your face.

In the beginning, let’s call it the genesis of the pride parade, there was Adam and Steve. It was the 60s and Adam and Steve and many others were being persecuted by the police. The police would raid bars and establishments frequented by homosexuals. They took payoffs, used entrapment to arrest gays and raid bars and they received lawyer kickbacks. In New York in Greenwich village, June 28th, 1969, the New York Police raided the Stonewall Inn and instead of business as usual, the gays fought back. The first pride parade was held in 1970 in New York, Los Angeles, and San Francisco to commemorate the Stonewall riots.

Gay pride parades grew to celebrate diversity without judgment, or hatred. They represented a movement to embrace all lifestyles. Drag queens, dykes on bikes, bears, cubs, leather daddies, the transgendered, and so on could all come out and feel accepted. Tired of being marginalized and forced to live in the closet or be ashamed of who they were, the pride parade allowed folks to be large and in charge. It was joyful and a show of strength and solidarity.

So when did everyone start stripping? There are two things happening. The first is easier to explain. Big party known for embracing all lifestyles in a non-judgmental way, plus alcohol equals naked. This equation works with music festivals, Mardi Gras, free-to-be-you-and-me colleges. If you tell people that we are all a big open and accepting family and then give them alcohol sometimes their clothes come flying off. If it starts raining and there is mud it gets even worse.

The second thing that’s happening I have more ambivalent feelings about. The no-judgment aspect of Gay Pride is good. The idea that what you do behind closed doors is your business is good. There is a moment however, when we depart from the LGBT movement and enter into the sexual freedom movement. Suddenly, while you are trying to explain to a nice couple from Oklahoma how gay marriage is okay and we are pretty much like everyone else, someone rolls a fisting demonstration up behind you. I am all for sexual freedom. I think that whatever two consenting adults enjoy doing with or to one another is fine. Judge not lest ye be judged and all of that. I also think that education is the key to understanding. I just, sometimes, just every once in a while, let’s say just when I am really hoping that we could pass some legislation to legalize gay marriage, I kind of wish that the sado-masochistic bondage demonstration would not show up to the party. Have another party on a different day perhaps. I will fight for your right to do whatever it is that you do (as long as it involves consenting adults and everyone comes out alive) but I wouldn’t mind having two different parades.

So I guess now I am out of the closet. I would like for the gay pride parade to be a little more boring and political. I am gay and it doesn’t make me want to get naked in the streets. I also hear that some people go to Mardi Gras for the music. It certainly takes all shapes and kinds and I am open to that but perhaps just until gay couples are able to adopt a child in all 50 states it might be easier to make your arguments for that while you are not holding a double-ended dildo.

share save 120 16 Were here! Were queer! Assless chaps!

Everyone should equip their house with a gaydar.

What is this gaydar? Do all gay people have good gaydar?

Thanks you once again internet. I just looked up gaydar and I stumbled upon the OkCupid Gaydar test. They give you twenty pairs of people on OkCupid and you guess who is gay. I got 60% right and tested better on the 10 pairs of women than on the 10 pairs of men. I like to think that I got 100% right and that 40% of the people are lying. Come on people, come out of the closet already, it’s 2009.

Gaydar is an innate ability to detect who is gay and who is not. This is something that often is easy. Don’t be too impressed with your gaydar if you see a woman with a shaved head, rainbow necklace, and a t-shirt that says “No-one Knows I’m a Lesbian” or conversely “Smith”. Those are your easy blips. If your gaydar goes off on the subtle gays then you can claim prowess over others.

Depending on how well you know me, I have been known to throw off a gaydar every once in a while. This might have something to do with the fact that when I used to drink I had a tendency to make out with men. Oops. Perhaps my own gay signal was on the fritz; I believe I have mostly corrected that. I would like to introduce the idea of a GPS, “gay positioning system” to help determine where on the sexual map you are. You can give your coordinates like G 85% 23 S 15% 8. Of course the way to interpret that would be: I am 85% gay, I have known this since I was 23, I am 15% straight, I have had 8 relationships in order to determine these facts. I think that this would be a convenient way of getting to know people especially in the realm of dating.


As an addendum here, a friend of mine brought up the alternate talent of Jewdar which I thought was interesting because I generally set off Jewdars like crazy. Due to a strong Eastern European background and having been raised in New Jersey, I have had to come out as a Catholic twice in my life.  I then, subsequently had to explain that much like being a reform Jew, I am a reform Catholic. I don’t really follow any of the rules, but I feel a lot of guilt. I also celebrate Christmas with just a light dusting of Jesus sprinkled over a bold stroke of pagan winter celebration and German tree hunting. Finally, I feel like I will always be able to claim to Catholicism because I passed the final—Confirmation. Once you pass Confirmation you always get to be a Catholic no matter what, just like I will always have my B.A.

(For those who don’t know “confirmation” is just a less profitable version of a bar mitzvah, mostly due to the amount of rosary beads that you end up with—if I was born in a different time I could have bought Manhattan, and then probably been persecuted for being a Catholic, damn Protestants.)

share save 120 16 Everyone should equip their house with a gaydar.

Shhhh, it’s the military. Pass it on.

Funny. Actually, I think that there should be a policy where no one is allowed to serve in the military. There, world peace. Who would have thought it was so easy? So as wikipedia was the first thing popping up in my search engine, here it is. The “policy prohibits anyone who ‘demonstrate(s) a propensity or intent to engage in homosexual acts’ from serving in the armed forces of the United States, because ‘it would create an unacceptable risk to the high standards of morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion that are the essence of military capability.’” Well we wouldn’t want homosexuals to go and ruin everything and spoil a good war.

The don’t ask don’t tell policy seems perverse to me. You can’t be in the military if you are gay—out loud. It seemed like there might at least be some logic once upon a time to no gays in the military. People will start to have relationships with each other (clearly, because who can resist a man in uniform) and then you would be mixing love and guns and that get in the way of having a proper war. Fine. I didn’t agree with it but then again, I think people should stop shooting at each other. It at lease was logical discrimination. People could just say, we dislike homosexuals and so we are keeping them out of our war party. Now we have a policy that is absurd while still being discriminatory.

So now gays are allowed in the military but they have to keep quiet. This assumes that if they were openly gay then all kinds of relationship stuff would get involved and when you mix guns and love you can’t have proper violence. Which, is not true by the way. I guess you don’t have organized violence. There are women in the military though and some of them are heterosexual. There are also heterosexual men. Shouldn’t they have to keep their heterosexuality quiet? I mean if men and women begin to show that they are openly heterosexual to one another then I feel like that might lead to all kinds of hanky-panky. Oh sure, that isn’t allowed, but smoking pot on college campuses isn’t allowed either. Look how well that’s going.

So then perhaps it has to do with showering together. I have never served in the military as I think is clear, but in my imagination everyone is showering naked together all of the time. I am not sure why I believe this, but at one point it was mentioned as a reason why the homosexuals will make everything awkward and after that the military just became one big showerfest to me. It’s a wonder any foreign invasions ever get done. So even if we go with my scenario, “the military is filled with huge communal shower stations and everyone shares one bar of soap.” Is it more awkward to have an openly homosexual person see you naked than to have a secret homosexual person see you naked? Why? Isn’t that strange? So my solution here is stop sharing showers you really aren’t conserving that much water.

It also seems that gay people are much better at picking up Arabic yet clearly when they speak in Arabic it must make them sound particularly gay. I have to do more research on that but on the whole, it seems to me that if you have people around ready to go into situations where they might have to shoot people or get shot, people willing to risk their lives just because someone in position of authority says, “go risk your life”, people who are fluent in the languages of the people you are shooting at,  you shouldn’t care who they sleep with. You should be thankful they are willing to do what many people may consider to be insane. If you start getting all particular about things then you might end up with no one around to play masters of war with you and then what?
share save 120 16 Shhhh, its the military. Pass it on.