Jessica Sutich

What is a tea dance?

Okay, I admit it, I asked this question. A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go with him to a bear themed tea dance at a local bar at which point I asked what that was. Not the bear part, I know about that. They have their own flag and a delightful term for long-term partners, “husbear”. However, tea dance was new to me. I was faced with a pitying shake of the head and I was told that I had never been on a proper gaycation.

A tea dance, in simplest terms, is a party that starts in the early afternoon. Minus clotted cream, plus men in drag. It’s origins trace back to the French colonization of Morocco, thé dansant, and clearly if I had ever spent any reputable amount of time in P-town, then I would know of these events. I, however, have not. Which is a shame as I believe P-town is where the Boston lesbians are. There and perhaps Jamaica Plain, but I live in Cambridge, and so with the convenience of the high-speed ferry it is faster to get to P-Town.

It is unfortunately soon to be November though, so it looks like it will be a while before I have my proper gaycation. In the meantime, I would like to take a brief pause and answer a question that I believe is haunting this post. Are gay men more fun than lesbians? No. However, gay men as a whole, are more keen on casual naked time than lesbians as a whole. I am stating that broadly as I am sure that I can find a whole bunch of loose ladies and strictly monogamous men. I know it. Gay men with fleece clad babies strapped on in baby bjorns and lesbians with strap-ons with leather clad babes. Celebrate diversity. I am talking more in the realm of noticed trends. It is possible that the interest in casual naked time tends to lead to finding as many excuses to have a dance party as humanly possible. Lesbians may also enjoy dance parties and casual naked time, but it is not as much an inherent drive and so sometimes gay men look more fun than lesbians.

This might seem like I am diverging from my don’t get hung up on stereotypes argument, but that’s not true. I still think people are much deeper than the stereotypes that cling to their social groups. On the other hand it would be remiss of me to ignore such things dreamed up by gay men as Grindr. This is an iPhone application that allows you to find out how many feet away the nearest gay man is who might be available for naked time. “A mile-and-a-half? What kind of long distance drama do you think I want to get involved in? 546 feet? Much better.”Once you pick the closest fella, you can do things like chat with him, ask him to join you for a drink, send him a picture of your penis… Things like that. So gay men do seem to have a large percentage of their population looking at things and saying, “how can this be used for casual sex?” and casual sex may have many different connotations in society, but it does lead to meeting new people! “Here’s a picture of my penis want to join me at the tea dance later on?” Lesbians on the other hand have no idea how many feet away a brief bout of canoodling may be as the iphone app, VaJJ has yet to be created. This therefore keeps me from being able to say to that special and proximal person, “Hello, here’s my vagina,” which of course means that although I now know what a tea dance is, I have no one to bring to it.

Do gay men really dislike lesbians?

I keep hearing that this is true. Actually, last night I was informed that gay men don’t like lesbians because they have no style. I was hurt. I had product in my hair. What more do you want?

To determine the validity of the statement I decided to search beyond the internet. I went and spent a week sleeping in the same bed as a gay man. Just think of me as Jane Goodall but with bears. At no point did he seem to startle at the sight of me. There was no fear response nor was there an anger response. At first he didn’t even seem to notice me. Then I gained his trust, and eventually, I even coaxed him to have a drink with me. At the end of the week I concluded that gay men don’t really dislike lesbians.

Actually, the friend I was staying with (on the cheap in a small space, thus the shared bed) has been a good friend of mine for years. He probably knows more lesbians than I do. And gets along with them fine. I seem to have a bunch of straight male friends. What does that make me? I looked on-line to see if there was a term and all I could find was “lezbro”, which is a straight man with a bunch of lesbian friends. That’s not quite right. I actually wish that it was, as they might be able to introduce me to someone that I could date. I also found a lot of terms for straight women with a bunch of gay male friends ranging from the old standard, “fag-hag”, to “fruit fly”, which according to the Urban Dictionary has many shades of meaning. One narrowed a fruit fly down to being between the ages of 13 and 27. At 28, you are apparently a hag. In searching that term I also came up with a report by Fox “News”, “Scientists make fruit flies gay then straight again.” So there you have it, if you are worried about your kids becoming gay do not let them hang around with scientists, but if they are gay, then go get a scientist. Quickly! It goes on to say that drugs and genetic manipulation in fruit flies can turn homosexuality on and off in a matter of hours. Good and bad news I suppose considering the life span of a fruit fly. Anyway, I suppose the fact that I didn’t find a bunch of terms for lesbians and gays that are great friends it is either less common or it is less interesting to talk about. Boring: That gay man and that lesbian share common interests and enjoy hanging out. Interesting: That straight woman used to date Drew who now dates John but she is still in love with Drew.  Conflict sells.

More findings from my Bears in the Mist studies? I had the pleasure a few years back to go to a Mr. Bear New England competition. I was the only female there. Usually if I am the only female somewhere I take it as a danger sign. Or at least a time to become wary. In this case everyone was delightful. Even more so once they find out that I am a lesbian. One man suggested that lesbians should have a Mrs. Bear New England showing off hairy women. I am not into it, but he was very enthusiastic and clearly trying to find our commonalities. I shave, but I get where he was going with it.

So maybe I am investigating the wrong kind of gay man. Maybe bears like lesbians but all other gay men hate them. Seemingly not so though. I met a delightful gay man who works at a local television station and even in his tiny jackets and very stylish jeans, he still failed to hate me even after I revealed that I liked the ladies.

So do all gay men hate lesbians? No. Most don’t. Do SOME gay men hate lesbians? Yes. Some gay men hate everyone. Some gay men hate themselves. Some just say they hate lesbians because they are in a club and cattiness is just another way to accessorize and outfit.