Posts Tagged ‘Gay’

I love Glee’s mash ups, so what?

Dear Ask a Gay,

Are you seriously crying at an episode of Glee?

This is a great question. I do seem to be crying at every episode of Glee. If there’s anyone out there who can send me some balancing hormones I would greatly appreciate it.

I really did set out to hate this show. There was something about the description that I was pretty sure I would be able to watch one episode and then use that single experience as an excuse to searingly criticize it every time someone brought it up. But when Kurt’s dad gives him talks about how proud he is of his gay son? I mean, Jesus. I’m a mess.

The premise is absurd. I’ll get that out of the way. A traditional Glee club forced to sing the school Alma Mater at assemblies might get their asses kicked or a slushy in the face here and there, but one that does highly skilled and produced show stopping pop numbers that sometimes involve Gwyneth Paltrow? I think they would do fine socially. And yet I managed to not even hate it when Gwyneth had to sing Cee Lo Green’s “Fuck you” as “Forget you” when usually that really burns me. I mean shut the front door, folks. Didn’t we give up on being tasteful when we started slapping slogans on 8 year old’s asses like “Juicy”. It makes me want to teach toddlers curse words. And in real life would Jane Lynch’s character just be fired? Of course. But Jane Lynch is an amazing comedic actor who rocks an Adidas track suit dress. Also, if she and her partner would be interested in adopting me, I would not be against that.

The show is campy and if you hate musicals in general then I will most likely not win you over. Even if you hate it and you insist on only ever watching Toddlers in Tiaras, it’s still a great show to support because it’s super gay positive. I mean they have four gay characters and a bisexual and they do shows about accepting who you are. High five to that. The show addresses bullying in schools which is highly relevant right now in light of recent suicides. Chris Colfer’s Golden Globe win was significant to the LGBTQ community, as is Jane Lynch’s activism in the gay community. It also received the GLAAD Media Award for Outstanding Comedy Series for the second consecutive year. A LOT of people only learn things from their televisions. Without doing any research, my guess is 90% of Americans (this is not meant to be a factual statement). This ought to be frightening to you but in this case at least, they are learning something about accepting people of different sexuality, gender identity, race, body type, and physical ability.

That’s a good thing. And it must be doing a good job because it’s pissing people off. You know, those types of people who hate messages of equality and self-acceptance.

A Houston, Texas station, RIV FOX 26 is being called on by GLAAD to issue an apology after the station aired a news segment which questioned whether positive portrayals of gay and lesbian characters on shows like ‘Glee’ could negatively impact teenagers. They had Bryan Fischer on from the anti-gay organization, the American Family Association and he incorrectly stated that being gay “is conduct that bears enormous psychological and physical risk to those that engage in it” and that “is just as risky and just as dangerous as injection drug use.” (From a Press release from GLAAD). For more information: www.glaad.org/defendglee.

So, maybe the difference between you and I is that you aren’t ready to admit how often you cry at Glee. I guess I just come out about everything. I still say it’s a good show to support.

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Gay Panda

In response to a friend thinking an Asian Bear was referencing pandas, I decided to find out if Pandas referenced Asian Bears.

Top 3 Links

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gay%20panda Not convinced, but at least it includes the phrase “panda butt”

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=big+gay+panda Is this just an entry to take a dig at some guy named Dave?

http://queersunited.blogspot.com/2009/08/word-of-gay-panda-bear.html Yes, there is a picture of an Asian Cowboy.

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OMG! Who’s gonna save PROM?!?!?!

Dear Ask a Gay,

Do you think Constance should be able to go to prom with her girlfriend? What if it’s so offensive to see two girls dancing together to Stairway to Heaven that some students burst into flames?

Well no one has asked but I could tell that the question was hanging the air and I figured I should talk about the elephant in the prom court. For those of you who don’t know what this is all about, read this. After you read that, go ahead and click here to support her.

Yes, Constance McMillen wanted to go to the prom with her girlfriend and wear a tuxedo. Not only that but she wanted to do it at a Mississippi school in the Bible Belt that is still reeling from the idea that they can’t require bible classes in a public school. Before diving into anything else on the topic of gays at the prom though, I feel like I have to mention that because of all of the hubbub this has caused, Constance got to be on the Ellen DeGeneres show which is so much cooler than the prom. I would like to be on the Ellen show. If I could retroactively trade in my stupid prom experience for that, I would in seconds. Ellen, please call me. In exchange I will give you my pair of long black gloves, a can of Aquanet, some pictures of me standing awkwardly in front of a white limo, and a prom wine glass inscribed with threatening words from Billy Joel, “These are the days to remember.” Good God. I hope not. Now back to prom.

I searched for a little prom history and was led to a site that I am disturbed exists called “Pretty for Prom”. They have a prom planning timeline. Apparently you need to start doing things three months in advance. It’s like early training for the bride you will someday become. Oh women. So many of the dreams we are supposed to have seem to treat men almost as an accessory and an afterthought. At least in this scenario Constance was smart enough to choose the role that would simply require her to rent a tux. Pretty for prom did lead me to an interesting tidbit on prom’s past. It seems that “the first reference to prom in popular history comes from the journal of an Amherst College student who described his invitation and attendance at an early prom at Smith College in 1894.” There you go! Constance should definitely be allowed to go to the prom with her girlfriend because the prom started “in the elite colleges of the Northeast” and we all know that those colleges are way okay with gay. So everyone who ever attends a prom today, no matter where they are or what they believe in, is ultimately doing something liberal and kind of gay anyway. Sorry to tell you.

So this little Mississippi school canceled the prom entirely. NO PROM?? Great job Constance. There are a whole bunch of students in Mississippi now wondering where the hell they are going to ditch their unwanted babies thanks to you. Because of you there is some student out there who will be able to go to graduation without a problem because she won’t have gotten drunk and vomited on one of the chaperone’s shoes. Off like a private, non-school sanctioned, dance in which the law can’t prevent us from discriminating against anyone we want dress? Doesn’t have the same ring to it does it? Plus, at the new discrimination dance that the school hopes someone will be hosting there will probably be some inter-racial couple that won’t be allowed to go either.

What would have happened if the school just let her attend the prom instead of canceling the dance? Some parents would keep their kids home. Some people would be fine with it and not care. Some people would say nasty things. Some people would say nice things. Some people would make signs and protest. Some would make signs and support her. A good life lesson would have been learned about how humans have the capacity to be both great and loving AND small, nasty and hateful. What is happening now because they canceled the dance? Pretty much the same thing except Constance now has a great college essay and has been on Ellen. Constance, you did a great job by standing up for yourself and sticking to your convictions. This is one more step on the way to a future in which people will hopefully be more accepting of diversity. Now finish up that Smith application.

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Greater than or equal to bisexual

Sorry to drop a serious question on you, but it does say “ask a Gay” and I need to ask someone who is homosexual-

I am 16 and i have a gf currently and we do have sex often, and i am atracted to her and other girls, but every now and then with only certain guys i find myself not sexually attracted but “romantically” attracted. I sit and listen to my friend talk while i dream away about cuddling with him, yet its only with two of my close friends. Now i remember when i was younger i experimented with another boy he was like a year older then me i don’t really remember much but it was nothing, and shortly after i found myself attracted to girls. Now here’s the thing i’m not sexually attracted to them but romantically, yet i am sexually attracted to women, but not so much romantically. Does this mean i am gay, or bi or what?

First of all a quick PSA. If you are 16 and sexually active with your girlfriend while questioning your sexuality, definitely use all of the birth control you can get your hands on. No one likes an ironic pregnancy. While we’re at it, watch this. It’s both funny and informative. I hate to sound like your mother, but well, I’m old enough to be your mother (but if I was, we both would remember my high school graduation) (and I couldn’t have afforded fun cereal while you were growing up) (but I probably would have blown your college savings to buy it anyway). OKAY! PSA is all done.

Now, are you gay, bi or what? Good question. It sounds like you might fall into a great category that a friend of mine coined the other day, “at least bisexual”. You may very well be greater than or equal to bisexual. Since you are sixteen though, I am going to guess that you won’t know the exact answer to that for a while and shouldn’t push yourself to pick a label. Choose a liberal college—think Hampshire, Amherst, Berkshire, NYU—and while you’re there keep an open mind. If you aren’t thinking about college, maybe do an internship in a gay friendly city. Basically, put yourself a very open minded atmosphere and try stuff out (safely—lots of latex, no drugs). If you have some sexual experiences with guys then you might be gay, but you might not be. Try a little of both if it feels right. Hell, go have a threesome! Maybe not in high school though. Again, I will sound old and boring, but depending on where you live and how open-minded folks are, you need to be smart and careful. One terrible experience while you are figuring your life out and suddenly you’ll be in the middle of a Lifetime after-school special and who needs the drama?

Which brings me to this: Those two friends that you want to cuddle with might not take that information well. They might. They might be gay themselves and totally cool with being gay. But on average, there are so many factors happening in high school, that even great friends aren’t always predictable. Your girlfriend may also have a hard time with this information. Also, if you start checking out some gay porn, “just to see”, this may lead to a very awkward conversation with your parents that you might not be ready to have. If your parents are super cool, then that’s awesome. Who knows, maybe they are the kind of parents that ask you to recommend a good pot dealer (don’t do drugs). I am going play it safe though, and guess that they aren’t, so don’t get yourself in a stupid situation. Watch some indie films, read some Savage Love by Dan Savage. I think that out of this you’ll get a good sense that most people have no idea what the heck they should label themselves. Also I think you’ll learn this: Although the media sometimes portrays homosexuals as on the sexual fringe we aren’t even close. To make it to the fringe you usually need a lot more creativity and equipment.

SO! Ultimately, the romantic attraction will be really important. You want to find something that gives you both. Sexual attraction can be the easier part. If you rub two things together you can get a positive result. Romantic attraction can be a little more complicated. Sometimes your head and your junk just won’t be in agreement even if you decide you are totally one way or another. Hence the phrases, “I like you, but I don’t LIKE like you.”, “It’s not you it’s me”, and the ever popular, “YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME!” Finally, here is my cover my ass statement. I’m gay and have been down this road, so I’m just speaking from experience. Most of the time I’m just some comedian talking out of my ass. So, if shit gets really confusing check out your local resources. Here’s one site. And of course there are more. You sound like you are just in the “Huh, what’s that all about?” phase. That’s pretty normal. Also, if your parents aren’t the type to root around your things, keep a journal. You won’t regret that. From my experience though, I was much happier to have had “the talk” with my parents after I was more grounded in who I was, so if they are the type of parents that you tend to find elbow deep in your underwear drawer looking for drug paraphernalia, then keep that in mind.

Good luck!

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Beware Large Homophobes, They Will Crush You

Over the summer, I had one of those “kind of” relationships with someone of the same sex, who I thought was gay. We didn’t really go much past kissing, but we had an emotional connection and it seemed like we might have gone somewhere else… if you know what I mean. All of a sudden though, he got a girlfriend and sooner or later he broke it to me that we should “stop lying to ourselves” even though we had both proclaimed love for one another, and he stated “I’ve had three girlfriends for over eight months, and not one of them had I said I love. So far you have been the first and only.” I know his parents are large homophobes and I was wondering if he merely obtained her as a “cover-up” seeing how their whole relationship is mostly via text. I’ve even lied for him a couple times in order for him to leave with me to get away from her when she just shows up places. Recently, he also composed the idea of spending the rest of his life with me in Paris… what? Isn’t the whole “There’s no one I’d rather spend the rest of my life with than you” chat for someone you love and well… plan to spend the rest of your life with? My biggest fear is that he ended us because when he did start going out with that girl, he still wanted to kiss me and such, but I felt so embarrassed I said “Maybe it wasn’t you I was in love with, but the thought of being in love” and that may have given him the impression I’m not gay, because we both often evaded the subject. Still, if he felt that way, wouldn’t he have not dated her in the first place? Or did he just pick her out of the bunch for a cover-up since his parents were suspicious of me? I’ve also heard from one of his longer relationships in the past that she offered many forms of sexual pleasure, but he denied it because he thought it was “gross”. Please, I don’t know much about this whole dating business because he was my first and only love, so if you can give me some advice, that would be great! Is this boy merely trying to hide because he’s scared of his parents and thinks I don’t REALLY love him that way, or was I really just a month long fling that he all of a sudden wishes to spend the rest of his life with, even though he has a girlfriend currently? Should I tell him that I realized I really do love him? I still want to be friends, but I’d really like to be something more again, and of course, as most thoughts do, it consumes my life. Thank you in advance and sorry for rambling!

Oh dear. Well, the long and short of this is forget this guy and move on. I will say more on this, but there it is. Actually, forget anyone who dates you for a month, starts dating someone else, and then talks about being game to run away to another country to have a secret life with you devoid of all contact with those troublesome people who might judge your forbidden love. Bad sign.

To get into this a bit more let’s start with him being your first and only love. Here’s some good news: there will be other loves and greater loves. Loves that go way past kissing and leave you a wreck. Some will totally be 100% gay. Some will be more in love with you than you are with them. There are people who marry their first and only love, but they sure as hell have less stories than the rest of us; and they don’t understand romantic comedies. Now let’s talk about you apart from this guy and his cover-girl. Are you comfortable with being gay? Why are you evading the subject? Perhaps it would be a good idea to use this relationship as an exploratory mission that might inspire you to start hanging out at some gay clubs and meeting people who are out and comfortable with being out. Then you can become more grounded in who you are. That is never a bad thing especially if you discover yourself in a relationship with someone who is questioning. So basically, have some more loves and see how those go. Hell, go to Paris without this dude. Have some French flings. Why the hell not! Own it!

Next up. Straight folks who have homosexual encounters. Yes, I am sticking with the phrase homosexual encounters. Like galiens coming down to whisk you out of your pick-up truck, engage in some probing explorations, and then leave you in the midst of unexplained crop circles with “questions”. I am a big fan of the sliding scale of sexuality and everyone who knows me, knows I love the chase of the undecided girl. Beware of this though, it can really mess you up. Mostly because once you do all the work and figure out who you are and you have told all of the people who are important to tell, and you are living up your awesome gay life, it can present problems in getting together with someone who hasn’t done all of that work. It is something like being sent back to the beginning in Candyland. Sure it’s a fun game but wouldn’t it be much more fun to get to the end already and just go have sex? All right, perhaps it’s only a little bit like Candyland. No matter what it can be an emotional choice to make, so if you are going to go that route you definitely need to be grounded in who you are.

Finally, regarding the huge homophobes and this guy. I will start off by saying this about huge homophobe parents. They can surprise you. Really. Watch “For The Bible Tells Me So”. It’s a good flick and shows that people do surprise you in good ways sometimes. As for the guy, his girlfriends, and his suggestion that you run away to Paris he sounds like he needs to get his life in order. (Sidenote to the girl who is dating him: if he runs away every time you show up up at a party unannounced, dump him.) It sounds like even if you told him that you were in love with him that you two probably wouldn’t live happily ever after so I wouldn’t obsess about that. If you need to tell him though, to get it out of your head, then just try to not make it overly dramatic. You will be thankful later on for your cool reserved behavior. That being said, let me take a moment to apologize to everyone I have ever dated for not having cool and reserved behavior. Hopefully this was a fun little fling for you. Now go write some tragic journal entries and then go out and meet some new boys. Oh, and be safe. But that’s enough PSA out of me.

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Charlie of the LGBTA…

What is the “Q” in LGBTQ?

Good question! It means questioning. By writing you are now Q. Welcome to the club. Personally, I often accidentally say LGBTA because I live in Boston and I ride on the MBTA. There is no Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual Transit Authority though—did he ever bareback, no he never barebacked and his fate is still unlearned.

I originally thought that the “Q” meant “queer” as some folks use that word as opposed to the L, G, B, or T and it can mean that. Actually, the T can also mean transexual, transgender, or two-spirited. So this leads to another question. Is the queer community slowly but surely taking over the alphabet? Yes. Soon the whole alphabet will be queer. And once we own language then we will call things whatever we want. Is it marriage? Well let’s just check. Are all of the letters in the word marriage gay? Yes, they are so I suppose that it is a gay marriage. We are a tricky bunch. While I was writing this I also made the letter “Z” gay. Sorry straight folks, you are going to either going to have to accept the new lexicon or go learn the cyrillic alphabet. I would offer you the greek alphabet but that has been gay for centuries. Greeks have an entire island of lesbians. Much to their chagrin.

Language is difficult to keep track of. As soon as I left my teens, I ceased to be able to use any new slang without immediately making it a little less cool. I try to not let that stop me, peeps. To suck even more cool from that word, I just pulled it from the HowStuffWorks site under, “Slang terms by decade”. Anyway, now you can define yourself as questioning, whereas back in the day, you weren’t questioning, you were on anti-depressants and hopelessly in the closet. Then bisexual. Then gay. Questioning sounds much more laid back.

UPDATE!

I learn more every day. So now it’s apparently, LGBTAAAQQ. Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Allies, Andro, Asexual, Queer, and Questioning. Seriously alphabet. We’re coming for you.

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I would like access to your pants for reciprocal fun.

Do lesbians say that they want to get into each other’s pants and do one-night-stands work the same way as with straight people or is it different because lesbian sex is more about give and take rather than using each other’s junk to get off?

Okay, I paraphrased this question and my apologies to the questioner if I got it wrong. Please feel free to comment if I’ve missed the central point and I will hit that again if you will. This leads me to another question that I have. Can lesbians say, “I want to hit that?” or am I missing the meaning. Not that I would ever say that as anything but a joke, but I am lost as to whether I am saying, “I would like to take my penis and hit your vagina with it” or if I’m saying, “I would like to hit a few bars and then hit ‘that’ whereby I mean I would like to both visit bars and your vagina.” I am not sure. Any clarification is welcome.

The first part of the question as to whether lesbians say, “I want to get into your pants” led me to wonder about this phrase in general. I know that women, thanks to the sexual revolution, no longer need to sit with ankles crossed and virginity guarded continually deflecting any advances upon the sacred vajayjay until marriage at which point they are to give up all rights, wants, and needs. Oh the 1950′s. What were people thinking? Yes, now women can walk up to men and say, “I want to get into your pants”. Men also can now say things like, “I’m not sure I’m ready”, and “do you love me? or do you LOVE, love me?”  I still do think that the phrase originates from the former time. A time when men represented an army and pants were territory which the army of men were trying to conquer and gain access to. It was less of a sexual come-on and more of a declaration. I want to get into your pants! I have brought a battering ram and will hit it against the door of your pants until I knock said door down! Then I will reign victorious, plant a flag, and go seek other pants!

The phrase now has changed connotation but I still think that in a way there is an idea of men conquering pants. When women use it, they also want to conquer pants, but I just think, conquering men’s pants? Where is the challenge? Let me in. Okay. Done. So where do lesbians join this mix? There are a variety of answers. To get at the main point though, if I say, “I want into your pants”, I don’t mean that I want access to your junk so that I can use it to meet the needs of my junk and then I will leave it behind like yesterday’s socks. I mean, I would like access to your pants for some reciprocal fun. So, in this way,  lesbians make a temporary peace treaty with pants. Beyond that, there is a sort of posturing that might be going on. Sometimes it’s fun to  make it seem like there is not a chance in hell that access to your pants will be granted and then finally wave the white dental dam of capitulation. Ah, dental dams, always makes me chuckle.

Which leads me to one night stands. I am a serial monogamist myself and one of the reasons is that I really hate one night stands. My hatred is not based on the sex at all. To a certain extent I think one night stands are the same for everyone. A way of saying, “My usual date is out of batteries so I suppose tonight, you’ll do. Please talk as little as possible.” It is the latter half of the statement that ruins it for me. If I meet you and I really want to get to know you, then I don’t want to jump right into bed with you. I want to try and find out more, build a friendship, get you some flowers, enjoy some awkwardness, and then jump into bed with you. If I don’t really want to get to know you then I definitely don’t want to ever have to talk to you while you are naked. This would then make me someone who might sleep with you and then sneak out after you have fallen asleep. Let’s be honest, I don’t even want to wait until you fall asleep. I know that other people feel differently. They look at someone and just say, “I want to hit that.” They then proceed to the hitting part and then after that, there is an opportunity to make some small talk. If it goes well then perhaps a beautiful two-night stand or at least an acceptable booty call relationship will be formed. I think that you are either interested in that or you aren’t. Straight or gay, you can go out and use each others’ bodies as temporary sex toys and you can use alcohol to make each other interesting enough to make it through the experience. My only caveat is this: you can wash your sex toys so that each experience is like the first time, people on the other hand, no matter how hard you scrub you just can’t be sure that they are sterile.

One more thought came up while I was writing this. I was watching the news and I saw a lovely lesbian talking to Barney Frank. As often happens, I was not focused on what was happening at first. I used only visual cues and so I concluded that this cute lesbian must be talking to Barney Frank about gay marriage or something that I believe in. How nice. Dartmouth? I wonder if she is a graduate student there. Then I paused and was puzzled as to why she was so angry because she and Barney Frank would clearly agree about gay marriage. Then I wondered why she had just said Nazi. So, I watched it again and I realized that she was crazytrain. How sad, right? Then I realized, oh my God! What if I picked her up and thought I am going to conquer your pants. Then there I am, having the post pants conquering small talk and she says, “Well, I live in Dartmouth, I like dogs but I’m allergic to cats, and I’m a Lyndon LaRouche supporter and Obama is like Hitler.” Whoa!!! I mean why not just say that and then pull out your Valtrex prescription? No thank you folks. I’m just not into it. I support healthcare reform and I don’t care how good Valtrex makes you at kayaking, I am only looking for pants that get to know each other a little first.

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So which one of you is the boy?

When gays date is one more like the guy and one more like the girl?

That is one of the first questions you decide on when you are gay dating. I mean I don’t know how we would ever get this homosexuality thing off the ground if we didn’t gender divide. How would we decide who wears the white wedding dress? Who wears the tux? Who offers the dowry? Who gets to handle the checkbook and the maps? Who gets to cook and get an allowance for food shopping? It would be craziness! I shudder to think!

I have often thought to myself that I would be much happier in life if I had thoughts more like “Forty hours a week working in a beige cubicle? AND sometimes there will be cake? Yay administrative job!” or “Of course I like men, why would you even ask? I mean if I didn’t like men would I have married my high school boyfriend?” or “The kids are in daycare and I have a white wine spritzer and this Danielle Steele novel. Ah heaven…which is also a place I believe in.” Alas. It hasn’t been that simple.

I do acknowledge that there are people out there for whom gender stereotypes fit like a glove. Either a totally tough and dirty work glove or an elbow length glove that would go great with a ball gown. There are also gay couples out there who can look at those gloves and definitely know who needs to own which. I seem to have a drawer full of all kinds of gloves. Sometimes I feel like I found out about Halloween when I was a kid and I decided it was a year ’round deal. When Halloween does come around I see so many men dressed as women that I would suggest more people to follow my lead. Seriously, the only disappointment is that you only get the bucket of candy but once a year. (A brief digression, the men are dressed as women, the women are dressed slutty, perhaps we are all lesbians? Discuss.)

I also like women who are similar in mindset. I dated a girl once who, despite her love of pink skirts was unnervingly strong. We were looking for an apartment once and she asked me to check the light fixture to see if we could put a ceiling fan in. She then lifted me up off the ground so that I could complete her request. I like the duality it makes things interesting.

I do have one caveat. I would encourage, more than gender dividing, style dividing, especially if you and your S.O. are the same size. I have run into the problem of swapping clothing so much that I can’t even tell which one of us is which. Suddenly you find yourself embarrassingly making out with you. So play to whatever strengths you have. Straight couples should do the same. My mom is better with directions. My dad has a great eye for color. So what. But definitely decide who owns which jeans or you might stop checking out the ass that resides in them having confused it for your own.

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Can we talk? A very special episode.

Do gay people get tired of having to come out to people?

Yes. A long time ago I came out. First I told my journal that I suspected myself of being gay. Then I finally told it the truth. My journal had to take some time to get used to the idea. For a while every time I would write “gay”, my journal would translate it to read “bi-sexual”—seriously, you can go back and read the entries as proof. Eventually though, my journal learned to accept it. Then I told my parents and it was pretty much the same process. By the time I got to telling friends, I had one “very special moment” in which I actually started a conversation of with, “Can we talk? For a while I have been trying to figure out how to say this…” Somewhere in the middle of that conversation I started hating myself and I haven’t ever gone down that road again. I began to find more creative ways to work it into conversation. Also, for a while one of my friends found it amusing to introduce me to anyone new as, “his lesbian friend Jess.” At first I thought to myself, but I’m so much more than that. Then I just gave up and figured, that takes care of that.

The dilemma is this, you just can’t tell everyone. People close to you know but you are always in new situations, or there are distant relatives or acquaintances that aren’t in the know and so it just feels sometimes like it goes on forever. For example, it has now been years since I came out, and yet I still have to tell people more often than you would think. Especially considering the fact that I run a blog called Ask a Gay. Actually, the entire reason for me starting this blog, might be my way of hoping to never having to tell people again. This isn’t about shame folks, this is about the awkwardness of forcing someone into a revelation conversation. Straight people, try it. Find an acquaintance. Ask them out to lunch and at some point over the course of the meal say, “I just wanted to let you know. I’ve begun dating someone new. This might be surprising, but…” Then bring it on home by flooring them with the news that you are seeing someone of the opposite sex. Even stranger, try this in the work place with your work friends. Work friends are already a strange combination of small-talk and random assignment let alone having to say to them, “So this year at the office Christmas party I was going to bring the person I am dating and I just thought you should know…” This is why I refuse to do it. I have decided to just do what straight people do. Show up with my girlfriend and head for the bar. If Dan in accounting or those extended family members look surprised, well there you go. I heard that Dan still lives with his mother, and everyone knows that Aunt Mary and Uncle Fred haven’t slept in the same bedroom since the Reagan administration. What can you do?

It works. People have a small a-ha moment and then everyone moves on with their lives. Because you haven’t asked them to weigh in with advice or opinions, they don’t. You also get to experience something that always surprises me, some people won’t get it. You go to a wedding with your girlfriend, you dance together, you have a grand old time, and yet there will be some people, often the older folks, who just think, “well doesn’t she have a lovely friend.” Really, is that so bad? There is a theory that it is really important to make Grandma face the facts, but I guess I just don’t care. I’m already doing what I want to do by happily living my life with whoever I want to and if Aunt Edna wants to google me, then she will definitely find out about my alternative lifestyle. Beyond that I had my shocking season three sit-com outing years ago and I’m ready to move on. I also encourage you to spare someone the situation. Since we all know that being gay is completely fine and normal, then if you have a friend who has not told you in a long time that they are dating anyone new and they seem to hang around with one really good friend ALL the time. Try saying to this friend, “hey are you guys dating?” Then they can say, “Yes, my goodness, thought I mentioned that.” And if they freak out on you then that will be okay too, because then they can get into therapy sooner rather than later. That will take care of that!

share save 120 16 Can we talk? A very special episode.
 

Shhhh, it’s the military. Pass it on.


Funny. Actually, I think that there should be a policy where no one is allowed to serve in the military. There, world peace. Who would have thought it was so easy? So as wikipedia was the first thing popping up in my search engine, here it is. The “policy prohibits anyone who ‘demonstrate(s) a propensity or intent to engage in homosexual acts’ from serving in the armed forces of the United States, because ‘it would create an unacceptable risk to the high standards of morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion that are the essence of military capability.’” Well we wouldn’t want homosexuals to go and ruin everything and spoil a good war.

The don’t ask don’t tell policy seems perverse to me. You can’t be in the military if you are gay—out loud. It seemed like there might at least be some logic once upon a time to no gays in the military. People will start to have relationships with each other (clearly, because who can resist a man in uniform) and then you would be mixing love and guns and that get in the way of having a proper war. Fine. I didn’t agree with it but then again, I think people should stop shooting at each other. It at lease was logical discrimination. People could just say, we dislike homosexuals and so we are keeping them out of our war party. Now we have a policy that is absurd while still being discriminatory.

So now gays are allowed in the military but they have to keep quiet. This assumes that if they were openly gay then all kinds of relationship stuff would get involved and when you mix guns and love you can’t have proper violence. Which, is not true by the way. I guess you don’t have organized violence. There are women in the military though and some of them are heterosexual. There are also heterosexual men. Shouldn’t they have to keep their heterosexuality quiet? I mean if men and women begin to show that they are openly heterosexual to one another then I feel like that might lead to all kinds of hanky-panky. Oh sure, that isn’t allowed, but smoking pot on college campuses isn’t allowed either. Look how well that’s going.

So then perhaps it has to do with showering together. I have never served in the military as I think is clear, but in my imagination everyone is showering naked together all of the time. I am not sure why I believe this, but at one point it was mentioned as a reason why the homosexuals will make everything awkward and after that the military just became one big showerfest to me. It’s a wonder any foreign invasions ever get done. So even if we go with my scenario, “the military is filled with huge communal shower stations and everyone shares one bar of soap.” Is it more awkward to have an openly homosexual person see you naked than to have a secret homosexual person see you naked? Why? Isn’t that strange? So my solution here is stop sharing showers you really aren’t conserving that much water.

It also seems that gay people are much better at picking up Arabic yet clearly when they speak in Arabic it must make them sound particularly gay. I have to do more research on that but on the whole, it seems to me that if you have people around ready to go into situations where they might have to shoot people or get shot, people willing to risk their lives just because someone in position of authority says, “go risk your life”, people who are fluent in the languages of the people you are shooting at,  you shouldn’t care who they sleep with. You should be thankful they are willing to do what many people may consider to be insane. If you start getting all particular about things then you might end up with no one around to play masters of war with you and then what?
share save 120 16 Shhhh, its the military. Pass it on.