Jessica Sutich

Why do so many Gay men love antiquing? I never run in to Lesbian couples in the antique stores but it’s nearly impossible to go into one without there being at least one male Gay couple. I don’t get it.

Ah stereotypes. In an earlier post I linked to a blog called Stuff Lesbians Like and of course there is one of my favorites, Stuff White People Like. Vespas! It’s so true! We love Vespas! I think that stereotypes are appealing because there is at least a grain of truth in it. I do stand-up and I still am surprised how well gender stereotype humor goes over. Men and women are different! Isn’t that the whackiest? I did a little google on “stereotype true or false” just to see what came up. My results:  Stereotypes about African Americans, Italian Stereotypes, Swedish Stereotypes. I of course clicked on the site listing Swedish Stereotypes. I tried to think of the Swedes. Blonde? They love functional and cheap furniture? Alas, it was mostly an article about socialism. Well that’s true. The Swedes are totally a bunch of Nordic socialists.

Our brains like to take shortcuts. One of these shortcuts is to generalize. At one point perhaps it helped us make quick decisions in the wild, now it helps us make quick decisions in malls, “a black cardigan, everyone can use a black cardigan.” These generalizations are usually based on something observed, whether it is positive or negative. The down-side of course, is that negative stereotypes can be used to hurt people, keep them down, out of jobs, in a lower station in society, etc. They also limit us from seeing the wider spectrum of how people are. So there are perhaps, more gay men who like antiquing than straight men. However, there is also pressure from society, particularly American society, for a straight man to not openly show a love for antiquing.

I remember recently someone was telling me that they were out with their husband buying something to decorate the house. I forget what the item was but let’s say curtains. It was her husband who chose the pattern and length and cared more about the whole look and feel. When they got to the counter, the man checking them out joked with the husband that he was being dragged around by his wife and hopefully would soon get to do something he enjoyed. I don’t know, probably something like football, or strip clubs, you know whatever the heck it is that straight men do. When men show an interest in things that are “feminine” it is typically thought of in a negative way. The Bravo netowork can only do so much to change people’s minds. (Come on Metrosexuals! Stand up and be counted!) So perhaps more straight men like these activities than own up to it, or they show an interest as children and are discouraged. It is difficult to tell what we would all be like if we didn’t have the influence of societal norms.

So yes, gay men like musicals and antiquing and have a better sense of style. But I like musicals and antiquing and I also can’t throw a ball to save my life. I am a lesbian who doesn’t care about sports and perhaps there is a really butch gay man out there playing football just wondering why he doesn’t care at all about expensive wine because although most elves want to make toys, some elves want to be dentists.

Today I am going to address a question that was asked of me by a good friend.

What about her? You want to sleep with her?

He actually asks the question a lot. About friends of ours, people we see on the street, people in movies. After my last break up he offered to bring me to a strip club. He really has a lot of good intentions. Many of those intentions involve helping me to see naked women. It’s sweet.

I find it a difficult question to answer sometimes, especially when we are talking about friends. I usually end up saying something that sounds like I am hedging which makes me sound even more like I want to sleep with whoever we are referencing. “I think she is attractive, but I just don’t see her like that—honestly. But I can see her merits.” What I think needs to be explained is that being a lesbian is not the same as being a straight man.

I am not suggesting that all straight men are ogling boobs whenever they get a chance or that there are not lesbians out there who love a strip club. However, I think that there are some general differences.

A good friend once described it this way: Men have one ladder. All women fall on that ladder somewhere. She may be higher on the ladder, in that they want to sleep with her more, or lower, even really low, like they would only sleep with her in extreme circumstances, but she is on the ladder. Women have two ladders. One ladder has the people she would sleep with but that other ladder, no matter where you are, you are not getting laid.

That really simplifies things of course. I don’t think that men put their mother’s and sisters on the ladder, so I guess there is a family ladder. I hope there is. Also, what about gay men? Do they follow the same logic only with all men falling somewhere on their ladder? I’m not sure about the details, but I do know what he’s talking about.

There are women that I find very attractive and yet I don’t want to sleep with them. Not at all. It is a complex combination of reasons. Sometimes there is almost a palpable “straightness” coming from some women. Like they are so straight it almost knocks me over. I don’t care what they look like, I get uncomfortable sometimes even hugging them. I feel it as I go in for the hug, a certain magnetic repellent and I practically spring out of the hug in discomfort. Strip clubs leave me feeling not turned on but rather concerned. It would simplify things for me if I could just say, “naked=good” but there I am with my social worker gene kicking in and I want to talk to them about career opportunities—although they very well may make more money than I do.

This isn’t to say that I have some kind of magic pheromone that connects me only with lesbians. Quite the opposite. The unique pheromone cocktail that seems to draw me in is people who are floating somewhere along the middle line. Then again, I have bad sinuses, so perhaps I just have a clogged signal. I believe though, that to a certain extent, what I am attracted to is someone being attracted to me. Then I can assess everything else.

In answer to my friend’s question, I find that it easier to just assess whoever we are talking about on a typical physical scale and either give her a thumbs up or thumbs down. It sounds a lot more confident and cocky than me saying, “well what do you think she thinks of me??” I still say though that unless she’s into it too what’s the point? Wouldn’t it just end up with me doing a lot of work for nothing? Think about it.

Do Lesbians really order most of their clothes from LLBean? I think they look a little TOO sensible sometimes. I understand that you’re not trying to impress men but don’t you want to look sexy and (excuse the term) feminine anyway? I like a high heel. Do Lesbians ever wear high heels?

Okay, I will say right out of the gate here that I own some knee-high black leather boots and I really like them even though I know that at the end of the evening I will be nearly crippled from wearing them. They make me tall. I believe in my mind that I’m tall and these boots make that an actuality.

Some lesbians wear high heels, some would never wear high heels. Some go both ways. It’s like academic women. You might go onto a college campus and wonder where they have acquired all of their large jewelry and shapeless dresses. When you get your Ph. D., do you immediately get a huge discount on earth-tone shapeless dresses? No. Well actually, maybe. I don’t have my Ph. D. Remember though, lesbians might not be trying to impress men, but they are trying to impress each other so what might not be a sexy look to you may be a sexy look to someone else. Academic men might absolutely go crazy for a shapeless earth-tone dress.

L.L. Bean is a funny place. Why do the pants need to unzip to become shorts? Why are there some men out there who own wide-brimmed rain hats with a chin-strings. What nature show do they think they are on? I’m not sure but a certain type of man loves that hat. I think that the Bean demographic is more age-based than “lifestyle choice” based (with a Maine loophole). At this time in my life I don’t think that their jeans are appealing but maybe I’ll hit 40 and my girlfriend and I will get the same haircut and high-waisted jeans and cease to want to be appealing to anyone. At that point I won’t even realize that the younger me would be horrified. I will talk about the convenience of shopping on-line and their lifetime guarantee. Perhaps right now I should send old-me a postcard to remind me to look in the mirror and question my choices.

Straight couples do it too. Men and women will try to look good for each other and then they get married. Then they get complacent and they stop trying. I suspect that some men gladly cease to even pick their own clothing. Suddenly one day they are walking together wearing identical Martha’s Vineyard sweatshirts. Did they even see each other when they left the house? Maybe it is similar to seeing kids on a class trip who are all wearing the same t-shirts. Perhaps couples wear identical sweatshirts in an effort to not lose one another.

As for looking feminine I will say this. Society influences what our idea of femininity is. So in Western culture we say shave this, show this, cover this, etc. It seems like lesbians perhaps are shunning that style but that is only if you keep a very narrow view of femininity. I think that short hair and a fun Annie Hall look can be dreadfully sexy. Then again, I like men with a little eyeliner. I like everyone to slide into the middle of the gender bend. What can I say? Women who look confident in their style, I believe are sexy. I think that we need to allow for all of the different ways that people present themselves. I love a world with variety and the more open-minded that we are the broader we can define what feminine and masculine can be. Hold on, I am going to climb up on this soap box.

Cue some patriotic music. America is built on freedom and…hey where is everyone going. I have some great points to make here…

Well anyway, I have heels and I also have cargo shorts and I also mostly shop at the Gap because I can buy their cheap things from the sale rack.

I have always thought that dyke was to Lesbians what c**t was to all women and n*gg*r was to Blacks. But then I see Lesbians use it and I’m confused. Where did it originate and isn’t it offensive?
_____________
John: Homer, what have you got against gays?
Homer: You know! It’s not… usual. If there was a law, it’d be
against it!
Marge: Oh Homer, please! You’re embarrassing yourself.
Homer: No I’m not, Marge! They’re embarrassing me. They’re embarrassing
America. They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined
all our best names like Bruce, and Lance, and Julian. Those were
the toughest names we had! Now they’re just, uh…
John: Queer?
Homer: Yeah, and that’s another thing! I resent you people using that
word. That’s our word for making fun of you! We need it!! Well
I’m taking back our word, and I’m taking back my son!
_________________

Okay, I think we can begin by agreeing that the Simpson’s was an amazing show. Now back to the question on the table. First if anyone is shocked by seeing words written without asterisks then consider yourself warned. Read more »

Why do lesbians wear cargo shorts? And more recently, plaid shorts? Are we in Bermuda?

I received this question via email. First let me ask: Do people in Bermuda wear Bermuda shorts?

In order to answer this question I am going to go put on my plaid shorts to feel more in the right mindset. Okay, much better.

My first instinct was that lesbians wear cargo shorts because we like a lot of convenient pockets. I did a little research and the blog, Grace the Spot: Stuff Lesbians Like—a good read also—confirmed that thought in an article on Board Shorts. She mentions that lesbians don’t carry purses and so they must have many pockets. On further reflection however, I realized that lesbians do carry purses but they call them messenger bags. Read more »

I decided to answer questions in posts and not comments. Also the title of this sounds to me like directions to a quaint village. Perhaps a gay village.

So the first question:

Jess,
Why do gays use the rainbow flag as their flag?

Also, why do some gay girls prefer other gay girls who dress and have hairdo’s like 14 year old boys?

Thanks,
Maria

Dear Maria, it is so we can distinguish which Subarus belong to lesbians and which belong to soccer moms.

Actually, the rainbow flag was first used to represent the LGBT community at the San Francisco Gay Freedom parade on June 25th 1978. It was designed by Gilbert Baker to represent diversity and that parade was led by Harvey Milk. In an article in the Independent Gilbert says in reference to designing the flag, “”I almost instantly thought of using the rainbow. To me, it was the only thing that could really express our diversity, beauty and our joy. I was astounded nobody had thought of making a rainbow flag before because it seemed like such an obvious symbol for us.” Read more »