Jessica Sutich

Hey,

I’m 17 years old, and have refereed to myself as bi-sexual since I was about 13. Recently though, I kind of felt that being gay fit better. I don’t call myself lesbian for the same reason I don’t call myself bi – I don’t like the connotations. I prefer “gay woman”.

However, despite the fact that I’m literally afraid of penis, and I’m more attracted to women than men, I am occasionally attracted to boys. I usually see myself dating/being in love with girls, whereas I just hook up with boys when I’m bored. Sorry this is kind of long and rambling, I just want to know, can I still call myself gay, or is that like, offensive? It makes me feel more comfortable, but I don’t want to politically incorrect or something, lol.
Thanks.

First, let me say congratulations on knowing anything at thirteen. I remember thirteen as being a bleak and confusing time during which I pretended to enjoy boy bands. This ended up being a blow to both my dating life and my music collection.

As for whether it is offensive to call yourself gay even though you hook up with boys when you are bored, I am going to go with a no. I still hook up with boys when I’m bored—I guess I should say, men to confirm that I am not some cradle robbing cougar. What can I say, it can be fun. I also like to tell them after we kiss that I am now totally straight again. I figure why not give them the win? In the end though, I have my epic love affairs with women (they are epic, trust me). There are folks out there who have never strayed from straight and others who have never wavered in their gayness. I think that is great. I have a friend who is so straight that although she is very attractive her straightness acts almost as a repellent. Thinking about kissing her seems like kissing a brother. Yuck. For the rest of us, sexuality has a continuum. You sound pretty comfortable as a gay woman so I would say call yourself whatever makes you feel comfortable. It is definitely not offensive that you call yourself gay even if you say it while making out with a dude.

That said, there are some people who will be offended that you call yourself gay. Some people will also wonder “what your deal is” when you hook up with guys. Some guys that you hook up with also might end up thinking that you are “not really gay” or that for some reason sleeping with women is something that you do as a turn-on for them. People will find a bunch of different ways to judge your actions and the language you use and all of that. I have found that as long as I know what my deal is that it doesn’t really matter. I also call myself gay, but I don’t mind being called a lesbian. I try to figure out where people are coming from and if they are working on being understanding and accepting then I’ll give them a pass on some possibly “off” questions. I also am understanding of people who are really adamant about terminology. I am just not as caught up in it.

As a final note, you mentioned that you are “literally scared of the penis”. I am going to say a few things on this. First, here are a few good reasons to be scared of penises. They can get you pregnant which sucks when you are seventeen. Actually, getting pregnant sucks until that point in which you want to get pregnant and can afford the 18-21 (35?) years of financial commitment that goes with the result. Penises also can give you some rather unpleasant STDs, some which can kill you and some which just never go away. Vaginas can too so I guess that is just a general warning against other people’s junk. Valtrex might want you to believe that it’s all kayaking and walks on the beach but it just has so much more to do with oozing than that. Penises can also be attached to people who want to stick them places for all of the wrong reasons and once they get going, they can be real assholes about it. Also, since you consider yourself to be gay, you might not want to get overly involved with a penis because it can really suck to end up with an ironic pregnancy. (“Wait. WHO did you say was pregnant?” “Yup, that gay girl.” “Huh, isn’t it ironic?”) That said I don’t really think they are something to be scared of. They can be attached to some great people, they can get to some hard to reach places, and they do have an endearing eagerness to them. If you start to think about it, there is something sort of ridiculous about everyone’s junk. Watch a naked man jump up and down. It really stops being scary and starts to just be funny. I only mention this because if you fall for someone then you will most likely fall for every ridiculous part of them, so it sounds like you just haven’t ever fallen for a boy. That is definitely fine, but ultimately it’s not penises that are scary it’s brains and the many complicated ways that people find to mess with one another’s hearts. Thus we have the entire works of Journey.

What is a tea dance?

Okay, I admit it, I asked this question. A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go with him to a bear themed tea dance at a local bar at which point I asked what that was. Not the bear part, I know about that. They have their own flag and a delightful term for long-term partners, “husbear”. However, tea dance was new to me. I was faced with a pitying shake of the head and I was told that I had never been on a proper gaycation.

A tea dance, in simplest terms, is a party that starts in the early afternoon. Minus clotted cream, plus men in drag. It’s origins trace back to the French colonization of Morocco, thé dansant, and clearly if I had ever spent any reputable amount of time in P-town, then I would know of these events. I, however, have not. Which is a shame as I believe P-town is where the Boston lesbians are. There and perhaps Jamaica Plain, but I live in Cambridge, and so with the convenience of the high-speed ferry it is faster to get to P-Town.

It is unfortunately soon to be November though, so it looks like it will be a while before I have my proper gaycation. In the meantime, I would like to take a brief pause and answer a question that I believe is haunting this post. Are gay men more fun than lesbians? No. However, gay men as a whole, are more keen on casual naked time than lesbians as a whole. I am stating that broadly as I am sure that I can find a whole bunch of loose ladies and strictly monogamous men. I know it. Gay men with fleece clad babies strapped on in baby bjorns and lesbians with strap-ons with leather clad babes. Celebrate diversity. I am talking more in the realm of noticed trends. It is possible that the interest in casual naked time tends to lead to finding as many excuses to have a dance party as humanly possible. Lesbians may also enjoy dance parties and casual naked time, but it is not as much an inherent drive and so sometimes gay men look more fun than lesbians.

This might seem like I am diverging from my don’t get hung up on stereotypes argument, but that’s not true. I still think people are much deeper than the stereotypes that cling to their social groups. On the other hand it would be remiss of me to ignore such things dreamed up by gay men as Grindr. This is an iPhone application that allows you to find out how many feet away the nearest gay man is who might be available for naked time. “A mile-and-a-half? What kind of long distance drama do you think I want to get involved in? 546 feet? Much better.”Once you pick the closest fella, you can do things like chat with him, ask him to join you for a drink, send him a picture of your penis… Things like that. So gay men do seem to have a large percentage of their population looking at things and saying, “how can this be used for casual sex?” and casual sex may have many different connotations in society, but it does lead to meeting new people! “Here’s a picture of my penis want to join me at the tea dance later on?” Lesbians on the other hand have no idea how many feet away a brief bout of canoodling may be as the iphone app, VaJJ has yet to be created. This therefore keeps me from being able to say to that special and proximal person, “Hello, here’s my vagina,” which of course means that although I now know what a tea dance is, I have no one to bring to it.

Do gay men really dislike lesbians?

I keep hearing that this is true. Actually, last night I was informed that gay men don’t like lesbians because they have no style. I was hurt. I had product in my hair. What more do you want?

To determine the validity of the statement I decided to search beyond the internet. I went and spent a week sleeping in the same bed as a gay man. Just think of me as Jane Goodall but with bears. At no point did he seem to startle at the sight of me. There was no fear response nor was there an anger response. At first he didn’t even seem to notice me. Then I gained his trust, and eventually, I even coaxed him to have a drink with me. At the end of the week I concluded that gay men don’t really dislike lesbians.

Actually, the friend I was staying with (on the cheap in a small space, thus the shared bed) has been a good friend of mine for years. He probably knows more lesbians than I do. And gets along with them fine. I seem to have a bunch of straight male friends. What does that make me? I looked on-line to see if there was a term and all I could find was “lezbro”, which is a straight man with a bunch of lesbian friends. That’s not quite right. I actually wish that it was, as they might be able to introduce me to someone that I could date. I also found a lot of terms for straight women with a bunch of gay male friends ranging from the old standard, “fag-hag”, to “fruit fly”, which according to the Urban Dictionary has many shades of meaning. One narrowed a fruit fly down to being between the ages of 13 and 27. At 28, you are apparently a hag. In searching that term I also came up with a report by Fox “News”, “Scientists make fruit flies gay then straight again.” So there you have it, if you are worried about your kids becoming gay do not let them hang around with scientists, but if they are gay, then go get a scientist. Quickly! It goes on to say that drugs and genetic manipulation in fruit flies can turn homosexuality on and off in a matter of hours. Good and bad news I suppose considering the life span of a fruit fly. Anyway, I suppose the fact that I didn’t find a bunch of terms for lesbians and gays that are great friends it is either less common or it is less interesting to talk about. Boring: That gay man and that lesbian share common interests and enjoy hanging out. Interesting: That straight woman used to date Drew who now dates John but she is still in love with Drew.  Conflict sells.

More findings from my Bears in the Mist studies? I had the pleasure a few years back to go to a Mr. Bear New England competition. I was the only female there. Usually if I am the only female somewhere I take it as a danger sign. Or at least a time to become wary. In this case everyone was delightful. Even more so once they find out that I am a lesbian. One man suggested that lesbians should have a Mrs. Bear New England showing off hairy women. I am not into it, but he was very enthusiastic and clearly trying to find our commonalities. I shave, but I get where he was going with it.

So maybe I am investigating the wrong kind of gay man. Maybe bears like lesbians but all other gay men hate them. Seemingly not so though. I met a delightful gay man who works at a local television station and even in his tiny jackets and very stylish jeans, he still failed to hate me even after I revealed that I liked the ladies.

So do all gay men hate lesbians? No. Most don’t. Do SOME gay men hate lesbians? Yes. Some gay men hate everyone. Some gay men hate themselves. Some just say they hate lesbians because they are in a club and cattiness is just another way to accessorize and outfit.