Jessica Sutich

Do lesbians say that they want to get into each other’s pants and do one-night-stands work the same way as with straight people or is it different because lesbian sex is more about give and take rather than using each other’s junk to get off?

Okay, I paraphrased this question and my apologies to the questioner if I got it wrong. Please feel free to comment if I’ve missed the central point and I will hit that again if you will. This leads me to another question that I have. Can lesbians say, “I want to hit that?” or am I missing the meaning. Not that I would ever say that as anything but a joke, but I am lost as to whether I am saying, “I would like to take my penis and hit your vagina with it” or if I’m saying, “I would like to hit a few bars and then hit ‘that’ whereby I mean I would like to both visit bars and your vagina.” I am not sure. Any clarification is welcome.

The first part of the question as to whether lesbians say, “I want to get into your pants” led me to wonder about this phrase in general. I know that women, thanks to the sexual revolution, no longer need to sit with ankles crossed and virginity guarded continually deflecting any advances upon the sacred vajayjay until marriage at which point they are to give up all rights, wants, and needs. Oh the 1950′s. What were people thinking? Yes, now women can walk up to men and say, “I want to get into your pants”. Men also can now say things like, “I’m not sure I’m ready”, and “do you love me? or do you LOVE, love me?”  I still do think that the phrase originates from the former time. A time when men represented an army and pants were territory which the army of men were trying to conquer and gain access to. It was less of a sexual come-on and more of a declaration. I want to get into your pants! I have brought a battering ram and will hit it against the door of your pants until I knock said door down! Then I will reign victorious, plant a flag, and go seek other pants!

The phrase now has changed connotation but I still think that in a way there is an idea of men conquering pants. When women use it, they also want to conquer pants, but I just think, conquering men’s pants? Where is the challenge? Let me in. Okay. Done. So where do lesbians join this mix? There are a variety of answers. To get at the main point though, if I say, “I want into your pants”, I don’t mean that I want access to your junk so that I can use it to meet the needs of my junk and then I will leave it behind like yesterday’s socks. I mean, I would like access to your pants for some reciprocal fun. So, in this way,  lesbians make a temporary peace treaty with pants. Beyond that, there is a sort of posturing that might be going on. Sometimes it’s fun to  make it seem like there is not a chance in hell that access to your pants will be granted and then finally wave the white dental dam of capitulation. Ah, dental dams, always makes me chuckle.

Which leads me to one night stands. I am a serial monogamist myself and one of the reasons is that I really hate one night stands. My hatred is not based on the sex at all. To a certain extent I think one night stands are the same for everyone. A way of saying, “My usual date is out of batteries so I suppose tonight, you’ll do. Please talk as little as possible.” It is the latter half of the statement that ruins it for me. If I meet you and I really want to get to know you, then I don’t want to jump right into bed with you. I want to try and find out more, build a friendship, get you some flowers, enjoy some awkwardness, and then jump into bed with you. If I don’t really want to get to know you then I definitely don’t want to ever have to talk to you while you are naked. This would then make me someone who might sleep with you and then sneak out after you have fallen asleep. Let’s be honest, I don’t even want to wait until you fall asleep. I know that other people feel differently. They look at someone and just say, “I want to hit that.” They then proceed to the hitting part and then after that, there is an opportunity to make some small talk. If it goes well then perhaps a beautiful two-night stand or at least an acceptable booty call relationship will be formed. I think that you are either interested in that or you aren’t. Straight or gay, you can go out and use each others’ bodies as temporary sex toys and you can use alcohol to make each other interesting enough to make it through the experience. My only caveat is this: you can wash your sex toys so that each experience is like the first time, people on the other hand, no matter how hard you scrub you just can’t be sure that they are sterile.

One more thought came up while I was writing this. I was watching the news and I saw a lovely lesbian talking to Barney Frank. As often happens, I was not focused on what was happening at first. I used only visual cues and so I concluded that this cute lesbian must be talking to Barney Frank about gay marriage or something that I believe in. How nice. Dartmouth? I wonder if she is a graduate student there. Then I paused and was puzzled as to why she was so angry because she and Barney Frank would clearly agree about gay marriage. Then I wondered why she had just said Nazi. So, I watched it again and I realized that she was crazytrain. How sad, right? Then I realized, oh my God! What if I picked her up and thought I am going to conquer your pants. Then there I am, having the post pants conquering small talk and she says, “Well, I live in Dartmouth, I like dogs but I’m allergic to cats, and I’m a Lyndon LaRouche supporter and Obama is like Hitler.” Whoa!!! I mean why not just say that and then pull out your Valtrex prescription? No thank you folks. I’m just not into it. I support healthcare reform and I don’t care how good Valtrex makes you at kayaking, I am only looking for pants that get to know each other a little first.

Today I am going to address a question that was asked of me by a good friend.

What about her? You want to sleep with her?

He actually asks the question a lot. About friends of ours, people we see on the street, people in movies. After my last break up he offered to bring me to a strip club. He really has a lot of good intentions. Many of those intentions involve helping me to see naked women. It’s sweet.

I find it a difficult question to answer sometimes, especially when we are talking about friends. I usually end up saying something that sounds like I am hedging which makes me sound even more like I want to sleep with whoever we are referencing. “I think she is attractive, but I just don’t see her like that—honestly. But I can see her merits.” What I think needs to be explained is that being a lesbian is not the same as being a straight man.

I am not suggesting that all straight men are ogling boobs whenever they get a chance or that there are not lesbians out there who love a strip club. However, I think that there are some general differences.

A good friend once described it this way: Men have one ladder. All women fall on that ladder somewhere. She may be higher on the ladder, in that they want to sleep with her more, or lower, even really low, like they would only sleep with her in extreme circumstances, but she is on the ladder. Women have two ladders. One ladder has the people she would sleep with but that other ladder, no matter where you are, you are not getting laid.

That really simplifies things of course. I don’t think that men put their mother’s and sisters on the ladder, so I guess there is a family ladder. I hope there is. Also, what about gay men? Do they follow the same logic only with all men falling somewhere on their ladder? I’m not sure about the details, but I do know what he’s talking about.

There are women that I find very attractive and yet I don’t want to sleep with them. Not at all. It is a complex combination of reasons. Sometimes there is almost a palpable “straightness” coming from some women. Like they are so straight it almost knocks me over. I don’t care what they look like, I get uncomfortable sometimes even hugging them. I feel it as I go in for the hug, a certain magnetic repellent and I practically spring out of the hug in discomfort. Strip clubs leave me feeling not turned on but rather concerned. It would simplify things for me if I could just say, “naked=good” but there I am with my social worker gene kicking in and I want to talk to them about career opportunities—although they very well may make more money than I do.

This isn’t to say that I have some kind of magic pheromone that connects me only with lesbians. Quite the opposite. The unique pheromone cocktail that seems to draw me in is people who are floating somewhere along the middle line. Then again, I have bad sinuses, so perhaps I just have a clogged signal. I believe though, that to a certain extent, what I am attracted to is someone being attracted to me. Then I can assess everything else.

In answer to my friend’s question, I find that it easier to just assess whoever we are talking about on a typical physical scale and either give her a thumbs up or thumbs down. It sounds a lot more confident and cocky than me saying, “well what do you think she thinks of me??” I still say though that unless she’s into it too what’s the point? Wouldn’t it just end up with me doing a lot of work for nothing? Think about it.

Do Lesbians really order most of their clothes from LLBean? I think they look a little TOO sensible sometimes. I understand that you’re not trying to impress men but don’t you want to look sexy and (excuse the term) feminine anyway? I like a high heel. Do Lesbians ever wear high heels?

Okay, I will say right out of the gate here that I own some knee-high black leather boots and I really like them even though I know that at the end of the evening I will be nearly crippled from wearing them. They make me tall. I believe in my mind that I’m tall and these boots make that an actuality.

Some lesbians wear high heels, some would never wear high heels. Some go both ways. It’s like academic women. You might go onto a college campus and wonder where they have acquired all of their large jewelry and shapeless dresses. When you get your Ph. D., do you immediately get a huge discount on earth-tone shapeless dresses? No. Well actually, maybe. I don’t have my Ph. D. Remember though, lesbians might not be trying to impress men, but they are trying to impress each other so what might not be a sexy look to you may be a sexy look to someone else. Academic men might absolutely go crazy for a shapeless earth-tone dress.

L.L. Bean is a funny place. Why do the pants need to unzip to become shorts? Why are there some men out there who own wide-brimmed rain hats with a chin-strings. What nature show do they think they are on? I’m not sure but a certain type of man loves that hat. I think that the Bean demographic is more age-based than “lifestyle choice” based (with a Maine loophole). At this time in my life I don’t think that their jeans are appealing but maybe I’ll hit 40 and my girlfriend and I will get the same haircut and high-waisted jeans and cease to want to be appealing to anyone. At that point I won’t even realize that the younger me would be horrified. I will talk about the convenience of shopping on-line and their lifetime guarantee. Perhaps right now I should send old-me a postcard to remind me to look in the mirror and question my choices.

Straight couples do it too. Men and women will try to look good for each other and then they get married. Then they get complacent and they stop trying. I suspect that some men gladly cease to even pick their own clothing. Suddenly one day they are walking together wearing identical Martha’s Vineyard sweatshirts. Did they even see each other when they left the house? Maybe it is similar to seeing kids on a class trip who are all wearing the same t-shirts. Perhaps couples wear identical sweatshirts in an effort to not lose one another.

As for looking feminine I will say this. Society influences what our idea of femininity is. So in Western culture we say shave this, show this, cover this, etc. It seems like lesbians perhaps are shunning that style but that is only if you keep a very narrow view of femininity. I think that short hair and a fun Annie Hall look can be dreadfully sexy. Then again, I like men with a little eyeliner. I like everyone to slide into the middle of the gender bend. What can I say? Women who look confident in their style, I believe are sexy. I think that we need to allow for all of the different ways that people present themselves. I love a world with variety and the more open-minded that we are the broader we can define what feminine and masculine can be. Hold on, I am going to climb up on this soap box.

Cue some patriotic music. America is built on freedom and…hey where is everyone going. I have some great points to make here…

Well anyway, I have heels and I also have cargo shorts and I also mostly shop at the Gap because I can buy their cheap things from the sale rack.