Jessica Sutich

When gays date is one more like the guy and one more like the girl?

That is one of the first questions you decide on when you are gay dating. I mean I don’t know how we would ever get this homosexuality thing off the ground if we didn’t gender divide. How would we decide who wears the white wedding dress? Who wears the tux? Who offers the dowry? Who gets to handle the checkbook and the maps? Who gets to cook and get an allowance for food shopping? It would be craziness! I shudder to think!

I have often thought to myself that I would be much happier in life if I had thoughts more like “Forty hours a week working in a beige cubicle? AND sometimes there will be cake? Yay administrative job!” or “Of course I like men, why would you even ask? I mean if I didn’t like men would I have married my high school boyfriend?” or “The kids are in daycare and I have a white wine spritzer and this Danielle Steele novel. Ah heaven…which is also a place I believe in.” Alas. It hasn’t been that simple.

I do acknowledge that there are people out there for whom gender stereotypes fit like a glove. Either a totally tough and dirty work glove or an elbow length glove that would go great with a ball gown. There are also gay couples out there who can look at those gloves and definitely know who needs to own which. I seem to have a drawer full of all kinds of gloves. Sometimes I feel like I found out about Halloween when I was a kid and I decided it was a year ’round deal. When Halloween does come around I see so many men dressed as women that I would suggest more people to follow my lead. Seriously, the only disappointment is that you only get the bucket of candy but once a year. (A brief digression, the men are dressed as women, the women are dressed slutty, perhaps we are all lesbians? Discuss.)

I also like women who are similar in mindset. I dated a girl once who, despite her love of pink skirts was unnervingly strong. We were looking for an apartment once and she asked me to check the light fixture to see if we could put a ceiling fan in. She then lifted me up off the ground so that I could complete her request. I like the duality it makes things interesting.

I do have one caveat. I would encourage, more than gender dividing, style dividing, especially if you and your S.O. are the same size. I have run into the problem of swapping clothing so much that I can’t even tell which one of us is which. Suddenly you find yourself embarrassingly making out with you. So play to whatever strengths you have. Straight couples should do the same. My mom is better with directions. My dad has a great eye for color. So what. But definitely decide who owns which jeans or you might stop checking out the ass that resides in them having confused it for your own.

Today I am going to address a question that was asked of me by a good friend.

What about her? You want to sleep with her?

He actually asks the question a lot. About friends of ours, people we see on the street, people in movies. After my last break up he offered to bring me to a strip club. He really has a lot of good intentions. Many of those intentions involve helping me to see naked women. It’s sweet.

I find it a difficult question to answer sometimes, especially when we are talking about friends. I usually end up saying something that sounds like I am hedging which makes me sound even more like I want to sleep with whoever we are referencing. “I think she is attractive, but I just don’t see her like that—honestly. But I can see her merits.” What I think needs to be explained is that being a lesbian is not the same as being a straight man.

I am not suggesting that all straight men are ogling boobs whenever they get a chance or that there are not lesbians out there who love a strip club. However, I think that there are some general differences.

A good friend once described it this way: Men have one ladder. All women fall on that ladder somewhere. She may be higher on the ladder, in that they want to sleep with her more, or lower, even really low, like they would only sleep with her in extreme circumstances, but she is on the ladder. Women have two ladders. One ladder has the people she would sleep with but that other ladder, no matter where you are, you are not getting laid.

That really simplifies things of course. I don’t think that men put their mother’s and sisters on the ladder, so I guess there is a family ladder. I hope there is. Also, what about gay men? Do they follow the same logic only with all men falling somewhere on their ladder? I’m not sure about the details, but I do know what he’s talking about.

There are women that I find very attractive and yet I don’t want to sleep with them. Not at all. It is a complex combination of reasons. Sometimes there is almost a palpable “straightness” coming from some women. Like they are so straight it almost knocks me over. I don’t care what they look like, I get uncomfortable sometimes even hugging them. I feel it as I go in for the hug, a certain magnetic repellent and I practically spring out of the hug in discomfort. Strip clubs leave me feeling not turned on but rather concerned. It would simplify things for me if I could just say, “naked=good” but there I am with my social worker gene kicking in and I want to talk to them about career opportunities—although they very well may make more money than I do.

This isn’t to say that I have some kind of magic pheromone that connects me only with lesbians. Quite the opposite. The unique pheromone cocktail that seems to draw me in is people who are floating somewhere along the middle line. Then again, I have bad sinuses, so perhaps I just have a clogged signal. I believe though, that to a certain extent, what I am attracted to is someone being attracted to me. Then I can assess everything else.

In answer to my friend’s question, I find that it easier to just assess whoever we are talking about on a typical physical scale and either give her a thumbs up or thumbs down. It sounds a lot more confident and cocky than me saying, “well what do you think she thinks of me??” I still say though that unless she’s into it too what’s the point? Wouldn’t it just end up with me doing a lot of work for nothing? Think about it.